Mirror, Mirror
by WonderWords
Summary: We are the only version of ourselves, are we not? If we're not, how would we know that we're not? Is a mirror a true reflection we can believe? Catherine finds out.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I just borrow them.

 **Author's Note** : I write without restrictions - I don't follow timelines or recount the correct "version" of events. I use the show - as well as what happens in the show - for inspiration. In saying that, die hard CSI fans - if any read - will remember what I'm writing about from the show, however the accuracy won't be documented play by play and word by word.  
I prefer to write from Catherine's POV – if it varies, it'll be stated.

 **Introduction:**

"Destination unknown," chirped Siri.  
I sighed and stretched my neck while lightly lifting my foot off the gas, silently cursing as my heeled boot nicked the floor's carpet.  
I had been driving around darkened streets in the pristine Stepford-like neighbourhood for over fifteen minutes already. I had the address, just no directions and it didn't help that all these houses look freakishly the same.  
If Siri mocks me once more with "destination unknown" I'm tempted to throw my phone out the window; then she really will be in an unknown destination.

I was hungry, dirty and tired and so not ready to work a double – I hadn't had anywhere near the appropriate amount of caffeine today. The rationed coffee that I was able to crunch down was the sludge Grissom had brought with him to a scene we had out in the desert – it was like a sandstorm.

I shut Siri up and as I rounded another corner (I'm almost positive I've seen that evil looking garden gnome before) an explosion of blue and red lights danced in front of me, basically the arrow above the house. I pulled up and grabbed my kit, putting on protective clothing while making my way to the crime scene tape; the boundary line protecting the entrance to what nightmares are made of.

"Catherine! Yo, Cathrine!" I looked up to see Bobby – a rookie I had come to know well – waving and holding the tape up; just like a gentleman.  
"Hey Bobby," I smiled.  
"When we goin' dancing? And you know what I mean by dancing!" Scratch gentleman.  
"When you learn to dance," I said breezing past him with a wry smile.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" asked Nick Stokes with a small look of panic.  
I've known Nick for a very long time and that panic was quickly evolving into fear.  
I frowned. "Uh, my job?" He moved to stand at the bottom front door step, giving him a head height advantage while blocking the crime scene totally. "Nick are you okay?"  
"Catherine, just go home, please!" Fear was moving to urgency – what the hell was going on? Instead of feeling indignant and defensive – like I normally would at being told what to do – I felt the need to understand, an explanation of some sort.  
Taking a square stance and folding my arms I said, as calmly as I could, "Nicky what's going on? Why are you so upset? I've handled crime scenes before, some pretty bad ones too – you were there, you were the one throwing up." I gave him a small smile.  
"Cath, please…" he said softly, but firmly. "Please just go home. I'll try to explain when I can." He reached out and tugged at my fingers, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it gently. "I'm trying to protect you."  
I nodded bewildered. "Okay," I said softly, then started to walk backwards.  
"Here, let me walk you." He took my kit and turned me around, his hand resting on the small of my back.  
When we got to the car he put my kit in the trunk and came around to the driver's side, where I was waiting to climb in.  
"Cath…" He hold of both hands now.  
"Nicky, whatever it is, whoever it is, please just explain this to me. I won't go back to the scene, but I need to know because this is freaking me out – you're freaking me out!" I looked up at him insistently. "I've already seen an evil garden gnome…" I teased, trying to get him to smile.  
He returned a small smile and then wrapped me into a bear-like hug almost crushing me. He let go, held me by my shoulders and gently kissed my forehead. "Stay safe." And with that, he walked back to the crime scene turning around when he got to the stairs and waited for me to drive off.

I'm plagued by thoughts all the way home, like clouds of nightmares each ready to reveal their horrific secrets. Was Nick okay? Why did he seem so scared? What or who was he afraid of? Why couldn't I take this scene? Why couldn't he explain anything to me?  
My head hit the pillow and I was almost dizzy with the whirling thoughts. I tried to fall asleep, but sleep just opened the vortex to the vicious unknown. As the sun rose, peeking its beams through my bedroom window I threw the covers aside and decided that I wouldn't leave him alone until this was sorted out.


	2. Chapter 1

Pulling into the lab's car park, I frowned at seeing Nick's car already in its spot. We were both working the swing shift, as we had the day before, but something wasn't right. In frustration, I blew my fringe out of my eyes. Or maybe I'm just over thinking – triggered by thoughts of Nick and his reaction at the scene last night.

 _"Get it together Catherine."_ I took a deep breath and walked through the building doors, my boot heels clicking against the floor.  
After settling down and grabbing some jitter juice, I finalized some documents that Al needed down in the morgue – urgently, apparently, as I hurried down the hall. I didn't even see him coming until paper rained down everywhere.

"Whoa, slow down there Cowboy. If you wanted me down on the ground all you had to do was ask." I smiled slyly.  
"What are you doing here? I thought you're on night shift?" No laugh, not even a smile – just that same panicked reaction he mirrored last night.  
"Uh no," I said dropping the tease. "I was, but found that the swing shift worked better - for now." I looked up at him while we both shuffled around days of my hard work.  
"Are you going to the morgue?" he asked tightly.  
"Yeah, I don't think it wise to take Al's threats lightly," I said.  
"In that case, let me take it for you," he insisted. "I'm on my way down there anyway."  
"Okay Nick, stop. What the hell's going on? It's got something to do with last night's case. We're not going anywhere until you tell me," I said firmly, planting my feet in front of him.  
He softened. "Cath, please just trust me," he said quietly. "I know you're annoyed and I can understand why, but you've got to trust me."  
"Trust you from what, exactly?" I huffed, frustrated.  
"Once the case is closed, I'll explain," he said calmly.  
"No Nick!" I snapped. "Is this compromise to my work? Don't you think I'm able to do this properly? That I can't hold my own? What's the difference between this case and all my other cases?"  
"No," he murmured, then cleared his throat. "I mean no, it doesn't compromise your work, but…" his voice trailed off.  
"But?" I said sharply, lifting my eyebrows. I balanced the heavy folder on my hip. "Look Nick," I said indignantly, "I know I don't always play by the rules. I don't always follow the book to the letter, but I get results."  
When he looked up, I stared him down still waiting for an answer, the hurt etched all over his face.  
"Cath…" he tried one last time.  
I shook my head slightly, took a deep breath and stormed past him into the elevator, but before I had a chance to close the doors he was beside me, hitting the button.

"If you're gonna do this I'm not gonna let you do it alone," he said clenching his jaw.  
I didn't answer him, so the only reply he got was the drumming of my anxious fingers against the file I now hugged to my chest.  
The elevator dinged, signaling its destination, and I saw Al across the other side of the morgue at the last table, his back towards me. I could see he had a partially cut body – yet another victim of a senseless crime, which is why I care so much about my job. Those people need justice and their families and loved ones deserve closure. Someone has to – needs to – do it and I have the honor and privilege of being one of those "someone's". Donned in special clothing, I marched purposefully towards Al calling out to him announcing my arrival. Nick was right behind me, his boots thudding on the tiled floor.  
"Al! You can keep your empty threats, here's your damn report!" I said jokingly.  
Al spun around quickly saying, "Catherine, what are you doing here?"  
He wore the same expression that Nick had every time he's seen me since the night of the case. What was going on? "Thank you for the report Catherine, your cooperation is much appreciated Catherine," I said sarcastically.  
Al and Nick exchanged glances, almost as if they were playing chicken daring someone to make the first move.  
"Is this about last night's case? It is, isn't it!" It was more of a statement than a question. Stepping forward I leaned in to peer onto the autopsy table.  
"Catherine I don't think that's such a good idea," Al said rather timidly, totally unlike him.  
"I've tried Al, believe me, but you know how stubborn she can be."  
Arms folded, I scowled at Nick and then took a full step forward to examine the body they were trying to keep under national security.

I paled instantly and my mouth went dry while my heart leapt into my throat and my stomach twisted and hit the floor. Whipping around, I bolted for the sink as fast as I could and threw up – wiped my mouth and threw up again. The burning taste of bile now trumping the numerous cups of jitter juice I had earlier. I lifted my head and instantly felt dizzy, so I turned around to lean on the sink while I messaged my neck with shaking hands. I never fell apart at the squeamish stuff – ever. Embarrassed, I tried to collect myself together and pushed myself back to what had triggered this.

I was staring at myself – at least it looked like myself; identical, right down to her facial features, the shape of her nose, ears and mouth, including the size of her lips. She even had the sprinkling of freckles dusted under her eyes. Her hair (style and colour) as well as her nails were in the shape I prefer mine in. I looked across at her clothing, waiting to go for trace evidence and felt the repeated lurch of nausea in the back of my throat. Without touching anything, I assessed her fashion and realized it was like looking inside my own closet. This unnerved me to an extent that none of my other cases ever have. This was one of my biggest fears: Dying while on the job and leaving Lindsey without a mother. Over here, with me all bloodied and cruelly cut up on that cold steel table, that's exactly what it felt like – almost a terrifying out of body experience.

Unsteady on my feet, I swayed and Nick took my arm while grasping my elbow to steady me.  
I leaned against him and shakily said, "Is this what you were trying to keep me from?"  
"I was trying to protect you," he murmured just above my ear.  
I nodded silently against his chest, still wide eyed at the dead me in front of us.  
"What… what do we know about me?" I stuttered. "About her, I mean." I cleared my throat. "About HER."  
Nick rubbed my arms and said, "Actually I think you need some air and maybe some sweet tea."  
"Lots of sweet tea," Al said while walking back to his office with my report.  
I didn't protest when Nick turned me around and guided me to the elevator, where he slipped his arm around my waist to balance me. As the elevator silently made its ascent, I shrunk into him, totally dazed at what had just happened – the feelings of anger and frustration long forgotten.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

I stared out the window and watched the blur of modern day Vegas fly past. How did this happen? Was she a resident? A tourist? Had people mistaken her for me? Or me for her? I cleared my throat, the bitter taste of bile still very evident. Nick reached over, grasped my hand and gently squeezed it. I looked at him and realized he wouldn't be able to see my face through my shades so I smiled slightly and murmured, "Thanks Nick."  
"No problem." He squeezed my hand again – tighter this time, almost in reassurance.

As we pulled into my driveway he said, "I'll take a cab from your place and pick up my car from the lab." I nodded numbly and then stumbled to the front door and, still shaking slightly, I struggled to deactivate the alarm. I was about to turn around when I felt his body heat behind me.  
"Here let me," he whispered.  
"Thanks," I muttered.  
I brushed past him, dumped my bag and slowly made my way to the kitchen for something a little stronger than 'sweet tea'. He followed me and said, "Cath? I found this pushed under the door. It looks like something legal, but surely you should've signed for it?"  
"Just leave it on the living room table," I said with my head under the kitchen sink. I'm pretty sure I had a bottle of scotch here – gift from Sam.  
"Do you need help or… ?" He asked hesitantly, not quite sure how he would help.  
"Glasses, top left cupboard, ice, refrigerator," I muffled. As I looked up he was just reaching for glasses. I opened the scotch as he gave me the glasses, so I motioned towards the kitchen island.  
Glasses in hand we walked into the sitting room and I sank into the corner of the sofa, my back against the arm rest and tucked my feet under me. Nick sat right next to me, so close his elbow brushed against my knee.

He broke the silence, "So... how's Lindsey doing?" Anything to avoid the earlier horror experience.  
I sighed while the pang of pain hit me in the chest. Nick winced, clearly now aware that he had walked from one awful situation into another.  
"She's… she's good," I replied lamely.  
He frowned and asked, "She with Eddie now?"  
I knew he didn't like him. I nodded and said, "He wants to file for joint custody."  
Nick's hand tensed around the glass. "He barely sees her as it is and when he does it's on his terms, so he's the good guy in Lindsey's eyes," he huffed.  
"I know Nick, but I can't paint him out to be the bad guy – he is her father no matter how much of a moron I think he is," I said resignedly.  
"You're not the only one," he retorted.  
I smiled into my drink. "Refill?" I asked. "You're taking a cab home," I said pointedly.  
"I don't think that's a wise idea. I'm taking a cab to the lab and then driving home remember," he reminded me.  
"Why don't you take a cab straight home and I can pick you up in the morning?" I pushed. Why was I pushing this? Because it's Nick. I could trust him with my life in a heartbeat. I was more than capable of taking care of myself, but sometimes it gets lonely. I keep that part of my heart closed off, but there days where it's so difficult and it's those days where Nick is there for me the most.  
"Yeah okay," he replied with a smile.  
"That was easy," I laughed, "You trying to get me drunk Stokes?"  
"Only if it means I get a dance out of you," he joked.  
"Hey!" I punched his arm. "I don't have the heels anymore." I winked and he coughed.  
"So?" I said, draining my glass, "Refill?" He nodded and I topped up our glasses.  
He cleared his throat and said, "Skip the ice."  
I looked at him over the rim of my glass and whispered, "I agree."

Half a bottle of scotch later – the idea of calling a cab long forgotten – I cracked up at yet another scenario Nick was painting of me 'back in the day'.  
"I was not that bad!" I poked him indignantly.  
"Catherine, he worked for a day – one day – and guess who was to shadow him? You scared the shadow right out of him!" Nick chortled.  
"Okay, okay, okay," I held up my hands in mock surrender, my half empty glass in one hand, "but I'm not as bad as I used to be."  
"No, you've just become better at it. Even criminals are scared to be interrogated by you! They'd rather go straight to holding!" Nick snorted into his glass.  
"That's not true!" I pursed my lips mockingly, "Although I haven't heard any complain, so…"  
"Yeah, cos they too scared to!" We cracked up again.

I gathered our glasses and standing up the world began to spin just a little. Nick reached out and grabbed me.  
"You okay?" He asked, concerned.  
I nodded and said, "Just a little too much scotch."  
"A little? You basically drank me under the table," he pointed out.  
"With good reason to," I retorted.  
"Here, let me do it." He disappeared into the kitchen and I leaned against the wall in the hall way. As he walked out I said to him, "Stay Nick."  
Taking both of my hands in his he said, "Cath, you're drunk. You need to get to bed and probably have a bucket ready for later."  
"Noooo… is not that bad," I slurred a little.  
"Cath… you might want this now, but you'll regret it in the morning. Let's be logical about it," he pressed.  
I was so frustrated that he wasn't taking me seriously – listening to the alcohol instead of me, although I understood why.  
"Please…" I dropped his hands and fixed his collar, smoothing my hands over his toned chest.  
He swallowed. "Cath no," his voice waivered.  
We were walking further and further to my bedroom, me tugging him by the hand.  
"Please Nicky… Please," I pleaded softly.  
He gave in, finally, and swooped me into his arms before crashing his lips to mine as we spun into my bedroom I kicked the door closed.

We were both glad we didn't call the cab.


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Here's a little fluff. ****

 **Chapter 3**

I cracked one eye open slightly, then slowly blinked once or twice to find my bearings before smiling into the warm muscular chest I was spooned against. He had stayed, I sighed, completely content in the moment… before it was smashed with a sledge hammer and my head felt like it had a bolt pounding through it.  
"Oh God," I groaned into his chest.  
He kissed the top of my head and mumbled, "Regret already? At least let me get dressed before we call it a one night stand."  
I swiftly gave his shin a soft kick between our entwined legs and squirmed to sit up, kissing a path up his chest to his mouth where I lingered before whispering, "Regret? Never!" I grinned against his lips, but soon winced as the sledge hammer hit again; the sickening feeling of what goes in must come out – somehow.  
"Oh God Nick," I choked and dived into my bathroom before I threw up. I groaned as I turned around – still on the floor – and leaned against the toilet, hugging my knees to my chest.  
Nick put on his boxers, shook his head and smiled before tugging my hand to cradle me to his bare chest. He gently rubbed my back and said, "Let's renovate you."  
I nodded against him and muffled, "Sam wouldn't be impressed."  
He laughed lightly and said, "Sam is a drinker by master and experience – would probably take a couple of bottles to knock him out." He squeezed my shoulder and kissed me on the temple before disappearing into the kitchen.

Pulling on his shirt – it's ridiculously cheesy, I know, but to have his smell around me is like having him around me – I climbed back into bed and held my forehead. I overdid it last night, obviously, but I needed to be numbed. I'm the one whose always telling everyone that if you want to abandon your problems for a while it's best to keep working, but what happens if work is where your problems are? Suddenly a vision of me all cut up and dead on that table hit me in the face, except my eyes were open and blinking. I kicked back the sheet and sprinted to the bathroom, gagging.

Nick walked in carrying bottles of water.  
"Aw Cath." He looked amused.  
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh," I shook my head to indicate I didn't want to eat or drink anything, not knowing if I could keep it down.  
"Cath," he said patiently, "You've got to take something that's going to help rescue your poor stomach."  
I huffed and pulled a face.  
"Nice attire by the way," he said gesturing to his shirt.  
I rolled my eyes and then smiled shyly snatching a bottle of water while trying to compose myself before the next wave of nausea hit.  
"You need to drink as much water as you can," he ordered gently.  
"Can't we just stick to coffee?" I protested.  
He shook his head and explained, "We need to keep you hydrated. Alcohol and caffeine both dehydrate your system."  
"Ugh, fine," I said grudgingly.  
I went back to bed, hoping that this was the last time I'd need to throw up, until I heard the clang of pans coming from the kitchen. I held my breath as I felt the nausea surge and then disappear.  
Sipping water I looked around and saw rumpled sheets, clothes scattered as though catapulted from a dryer, felt my tousled hair and kissed-swollen lips. I smiled to myself. I'm not one to get mushy – anybody who knows me knows I have a reputation that preceded it, but Nick… Nick has been there for me through everything. He was there when I got married and divorced – dealt with Eddie's shit too (which is still current). He was there when I was pregnant and Lindsey was born. He's been there through all the life threatening cases I've worked where the suspects – and then later perps – were caught, but putting them behind bars isn't total isolation for them. I've been witness and victim to that all the while Nick has been there, quietly sturdy in the background. We've known each other for so long; I've never been as comfortable with someone as I am with Nick. It's such a safe and secure feeling – a feeling I've known, but have never felt until now.  
 _"Easy Catherine."_ I caught myself. I'm falling for him – have been for a long time, but fear of the heart can do just as much damage as love. I don't know how he feels; if he feels the same. He's here now - again, surely that should mean something? I've never been good at this emotional stuff because I've been fucked over so many times. The guys I've been with have no faces because they all look – and act - the same. Nick isn't like that, he isn't faceless.

"Okay, phase two Miss Catherine," he drawled in that sexy Texan accent and handed me two bottles of Gatorade.  
"More?" I said with a look of disgust as I lifted the bottle.  
"Yup," he nodded, "Electrolytes will help stabilize hydration."  
I sighed in defeat, popped open the bottle and held it up in the form of an exhausted 'cheers' gesture.  
He sat down in front of me with a lopsided smile. "So how you feelin'?"  
Taking a sip I swallowed, closed my eyes and hummed out a breath before saying, "Better – much better; at least the nausea has passed." I smiled back.  
We sat in silence for a minute or two before…  
"Listen, Nick…"  
"Cath, I just wanted to say…"  
I laughed softly and he shook his head and chuckled.  
I took a deep breath and decided to take the plunge first.  
"Listen, Nick." He looked up at me so intensely that I felt my heart start to hammer almost as loudly as my head.  
"This isn't a one night stand – you aren't a one night stand. You can't be. I don't know what this is or where it's going, exactly, but I do know that for the first time in a really long time it was… " I struggled trying to find just the right wording, emphasizing how terrible I am at this sharing your heart stuff.  
"…it was such a comfort to wake up next to you." I swallowed hard (and it wasn't the nausea).  
"Cath…"  
"I'm not finished." I reached forward and caressed his cheek – rough and unshaved. "It was a comfort in the sense I had someone to wake up to and not just an imprint of a body and a dent in the pillow with the shitty feeling of regret." I looked down, ashamed of the regret.  
He leaned forward and took my hand, brushing a kiss across my knuckles.  
"Cath…" he paused, "You're worth more than that – way more. You're a beautiful woman – gorgeous, actually – and there are assholes out there who only see that as your worth when there's so much more to you. If they knew you like I know you, they'd know how incredible you really are. They didn't care about your heart, so I understand why you guard it as fiercely as you do." I looked up, my eyes wide in surprise, while a small smile of amusement tugged at the corner of his mouth.  
"And you opening up to me… I consider that to be an honour and a privilege; a place I know that not many people are allowed to be. You right, we don't know what this is or where it's going, but let's not label it." He kissed my hand. "Whatever happens, we'll handle the future together." He looked me in the eye and blushed shyly before looking away. He cleared his throat before he said, "I didn't mean for that to come out sounding like wedding vows." He coughed nervously and his cheeks burned. "It sounded better in my head."  
"Nicky," I whispered as my heart swelled. He lifted his head slightly and glanced at me. I leaned forward, Gatorade now forgotten, and kissed him tenderly.  
He smiled against my lips and said, "You need someone whose going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I'd like to show you how, if you'll let me."  
I kissed him again and he deepened the kiss, entangling his hands through my already tousled hair.  
I moaned and put my hands on his shoulders to give him a faint push, leaning back a little out of breath.  
"Wait, wait, wait," I panted, "We can't – we have work soon."  
He planted a butterfly kiss before murmuring, "We're on the swing shift Cath – that's only at three."  
I nodded and smiled hesitantly, "I know… but… I want to look into the case of my look-a-like."  
"Cath," he frowned, agitated, "look at how it rattled you when it came in; that's why I was trying to protect you."  
"I know Nick, but there's a connection to this case. I know there is – you know my instincts are rarely wrong when it comes to work." I looked at him pointedly.  
He nodded reluctantly. I had him with that reasoning.  
"Okay," he said quietly, "but be careful Cath. There a lot of dangerous people out there and we don't know if she might have been one of them. We don't know anything about her or if she even has a connection to you. It might be a complete coincidence."  
I pursed my lips and he held up his hands in surrender, "Okay I'm not arguing with you. I'm just saying…"  
I reached for the waist of his boxers and pulled him towards me – that got his attention. I kissed him hard on the lips and said with a smirk, "How about you make breakfast while I get ready." It wasn't a request.  
He laughed into the kiss, "How do you know I was going to make breakfast?"  
"I have a hangover Nicky, I'm not deaf."  
He smiled sheepishly, "Yeah okay, but now you've ruined the surprise and hey, why do I have to cook while you get ready?"  
I stood up and whispered, "Surprise me anyway." I winked and sashayed to the bathroom.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 ****Cradling my head in one hand, I blindly reached for the top draw of my desk with the other and scrambled through God knows what in a desperate search for Advil.  
"Ouch, shit!" I cursed, my hand bouncing out the drawer as though it had been burnt. A staple hung off the top of my index finger and stubbornly refused to let go.  
I was still muttering, checking my nail for damage when there was a light knock on my office door.  
I looked up, "Hey you." I tried to stop the smile from sailing cheek to cheek.  
"Hey," he grinned, not even trying to hide it, "How you feelin' now?" He leaned against the doorway casually holding a glass of water.  
"Better, actually. I think I've just got a killer headache." I winced at the work pun as he covered a smile.  
"Thought you might need some help, so I come baring gifts." He set the glass on my desk and conjured a bottle of Advil from his leather jacket pocket.  
"Oh Nicky," I exaggerated a pout, "I can't unwrap your gift here." I smiled mischievously and reached for the Advil, popping two before downing the glass.  
He coughed and I laughed teasingly, "I'm kidding Nicky."  
"I just… I just think we should be careful at work - at least for now," he said hesitantly, nervously fiddling with the Advil bottle.  
I smiled again, touched by his innocence and sincerity. I took his hand and gently squeezed it. "I agree Nicky. I think it wise."  
He smiled, almost in relief at my agreement and then said, "So do you know anything about your look-a-like? Whose case is it?"  
I shook my head. "No I don't know anything. I haven't spoken to anyone since coming in this morning. I suppose the day shift thought I was here catching up on paperwork or something."  
"We should actually speak to Grissom," he suggested. "If anyone, he would've noticed the similarities between you and Jane Doe."  
Just then Greg walked past and I called out, "Hey Greg! You gotta second?"  
He stuck his head around the door, "What's up?"  
"Where's Grissom?" Nick asked.  
"He's working the Catherine Doe case," he answered matter-of-factly.  
Nick and I looked at one another, confused. "The what?" I asked.  
"Catherine Doe – she came in a day or two ago. She looks exactly like Cath and has no identity – yet – so I've nicknamed her Catherine Doe." He almost looked proud of himself.  
I narrowed my eyes and snapped, "Greg go and do something useful like cleaning out petri dishes. While you're at it, inhale some of those chemicals – clean your brain a bit."  
His eyes widened before he ducked out my office mumbling about misfiled lab reports.  
"God, he can be such an idiot," I said, irritated. "Okay, so let's get to Grissom and find out everything we can."  
Nick nodded and stepped back, allowing me to walk through first.  
Was he being his usual gentleman self? Or did he just want to watch my ass in action? I smiled at the latter.

Grissom was sitting at his desk adorning his usual crown of a head gear of various sized magnifying glasses when we walked in.  
"Hey guys, looking for your cases?" He looked up with one eye way out of proportion to the other.  
I ignored the head gear crown and cut to the chase. "Yeah Gil, I want the Jane Doe case." He wasn't going to give it over easily, I knew that much.  
"Uh Cath I don't think that's such a good idea. I've taken that case on myself." Point proven.  
"Why Gil? Because it's a Catherine Doe and not Jane Doe?" I looked at him square in the eyes, showing him I'd be willing to fight for this case.  
"Judging by your reaction during the autopsy I'd say yes." He took the crown off. I shot a look of accusation at Nick and he held up his hands in the motion of surrender, shrugging his shoulders indicating he had no idea what Gil was talking about.  
"Al told me when he submitted his report – more out of concern, if anything." Grissom folded his hands and rested them on his desk. He wasn't going to give this up easily.  
"Gil, I don't see why I can't take the case. She's of no relation to me nor is she from any previous cases – is she?" I folded my arms and looked at him stubbornly.  
"Well no, but…"  
"But what? There shouldn't be a 'but'! I don't see why I have to fight for this. I'm a damn good CSI and you know it!" I glanced at Nick who casually stood to the side, arms loosely folded.  
When he felt my eyes on him he stepped forward and said, "Gil I don't see why she can't have the case." He looked back at me and then quickly followed with, "And I'll work it with her." I flashed him a small smile of thanks and he nodded slightly.  
Gil twisted his ear in thought and then said, "Okay you can have the Jane Doe case on three conditions." I frowned and angled my head, getting ready to hear something I'm not going to want to hear.  
"One, you don't make it personal. She might have looked like you, but she's NOT you – understood? Two, you work with Nick – WITH him Catherine. You know what he knows and vice versa, yes? And three you keep me updated. There are no requests within those conditions. Agreed?" He looked at me sternly, his eyebrows knit together.  
I took a deep breath and nodded before smiling, "Yes Gil of course – when do I ever personalize cases?" He was about to protest when I said, "You'll be kept in the loop too! C'mon Nicky!" And with that I marched out his office not entirely sure what I had let myself in for, but having that gut wrenching feeling that wouldn't go away strongly pushing that there was a connection here. What connection, I don't know, but it was something that demanded to be investigated – who was I to argue?


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I charged down the hallway towards the break room, my blood surging in anticipation. Nick was right behind me – his footing a little heavier than it used to be. He's been in the gym a lot lately; I noticed and then smiled coyly. I'd have to remember to use that sometime – my smile turned into a grin just thinking of how he'd get all shy and self conscious.  
"Cath? Hey, Catherine!" He waved a hand in front of my face.  
"Huh? Sorry, what?" I snapped out of it – no daydreaming at work, remember what Nick said I chastised myself.  
"Soda or coffee?"  
We were now sitting at the break room table. "Soda, please," I answered reaching around and already looking for a straw in the surrounding cabinet drawers.  
"You don't want a glass?" He asked, forever the gentleman.  
I shook my head a little, pointed to my lips and said, "Lipstick Nicky."  
"Oh right," he smiled bashfully. He opened the can of diet pepsi and handed it to me where I stuck the straw and sucked the first mouthful. I slowly looked up at him still standing in front of me, watching me and the straw, mesmerized.  
"You know Nicky, the only way I wouldn't mind any lipstick disappearing is if you were the one to blame." I winked teasingly.  
"Uh," he coughed and quickly sat down next to me.  
"Hey," I whispered softly, just next to his ear making him shudder. Playing nice, I took his hand and squeezed quickly, but tightly. "I'm kidding!"  
He let go my hand and leaned back with his can of coke before he replied, speaking so quietly I had to lean towards him to hear him, "I know you're kidding Cath and I appreciate the flirtation really, you wouldn't be the Catherine Willows we all know and love without it, but" - my jaw dropped to object – "do you know what it does to me every time you do? I've always thought you're exquisite and even alluring and now that I have you but can't touch you? It's torture with restraint." He twisted a smile.  
"Exquisite and alluring? Nicky…" I scoffed at the cheesiness. I had heard every line in the book and then some, probably enough to write my own book. His face dropped and he looked down, obviously hurt.  
"Nicky I'm sorry." I put my hand on his arm and lingered, feeling his body heat radiating through me before I reached over and gave him a quick, but tender, kiss. "Thank you," I murmured against his chin. "I should know by now that everything you tell me is sincere and from your heart. I'm sorry." I looked up to kiss him again – as lovingly as I could – and he smiled into the kiss before I slowly pulled away.

"Am I interrupting something?" I heard Greg chirp and took a deep breath, biting my tongue before I swung around to face him. Nick saw my jaw tighten, knowing that Greg was already skating on thin ice and was about to go through it if he didn't watch it.  
"Nothin'," Nick offered and shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly, twirling his soda can from one hand to the other.  
I sucked the last of my diet pepsi through my straw. "Actually, we're just getting ready to start the Jane Doe case," I replied coolly.  
Greg's eyes instantly lit up and he quipped, "You mean the Cath-er-ine Doe case." He sounded out all the syllables in my name. I glared at him and I could've almost sworn he cowered before Nick jumped in to save him.  
"JANE Doe Gregg, JANE Doe. Catherine is sitting right here."  
Still glaring at him, I stood up and threw my soda can into the trash before pushing past him calling over my shoulder, "We might be investigating a Greg Doe case next."  
I heard Nick speak to him before he turned to follow me. "Look Greg, I know you think you having fun – give her a break with this case, okay? She doesn't need the added turmoil when it's already difficult for her. What if the roles were reversed? And it was your look-a-like lying like a horrendous wax figure built from human body parts? How would you feel? I can damn well tell you now she wouldn't be harassing you with pathetic comparisons to the living dead. She'd be right beside you helping you, the way she always has with all of us. Give her a little respect."  
And with that he walked down the hallway towards my office, where I was hovering in the door way. My chest tightened at the love I felt for this man who had captured my heart. As he brushed past me to sit down I stopped him and kissed his cheek before wiping my lip gloss with my thumb. A smile hovered on his top lip while he shrugged modestly.  
"Okay," he said, all back to business as he sat down. "Where do we start?" I was even more touched at how he stepped aside and allowed me to take the lead, which he didn't have to. Yes, I had at least five to ten years more experience than he had – that hadn't stopped even rookie cops from trying to step on my toes. It's partly why I've developed the tough outer shell that I have, my exotic-stripper days as the foundation behind me. I've dealt with enough assholes to learn to be able to fend for myself. It's a tough shell he was trying to crack.  
"At the beginning," I answered. "We start with what we've got, so I think we need to gather all the reports we can from each department and then go from there."  
He nodded. "Okay, I'll start in the morgue."  
"Nick with all due respect, I'd like to start there," I answered in a this-is-not-negotiable tone.  
"Cath…"  
"I'm fine Nick. I need to start at the heart of the case – in the middle – where or who this case revolves around and that's around our Jane Doe," I said firmly.  
He nodded again without protest and got up to start his rounds, but I could see he didn't entirely agree with my choice.  
I walked down the hallway in the opposite direction towards the morgue, woman on a mission. A very important mission, my gut tugged as though to remind me. We're gonna find out who you are Jane Doe… and we're gonna find out who did this to you and why.


	7. Chapter 6

Author's Note: It heats up a little...

 **Chapter 6**

"She didn't just fall out the sky Nick," I said tiredly, my glasses in one hand while pinching the bridge of my nose with the other. "Somebody has to know who she is."  
Three hours later and we were in my office – me behind my desk with Nick facing me - papers strewn everywhere like some mini hurricane had swept through, which wasn't Greg – this time.  
"Okay," he said, leaning on my desk, resting his head in his hands and rubbing his eyes wearily. "Let's summarize what we already have" –  
"The little we have," I interrupted him.  
"– and maybe we might have more than what we actually think we do."  
"Alright fine," I groaned and slowly stretched my neck from side to side. When Nick had stopped talking I opened my eyes to see him staring at me. "What?" I asked, arching an eyebrow and smiling coyly.  
"You, Catherine Willows, are going to end up killing me," he said tightly.  
"Oh you'll die happy," I teased and giggled a little.  
He clutched his heart in a mock heart attack and said, "You'll be the last woman ever to have my heart."  
I laughed at our corniness and he grinned widely, showing off his ravishing smile.  
Still smiling he stood up and said, "Why don't we take a break and grab a bite to eat?"  
"I'm not hungry - I could do with another diet pepsi though," I said tossing another folder onto the small growing pile.  
"With a straw?" he asked, a smile playing on his lips.  
"With a straw," I stage whispered and winked.  
He nodded before leaning down to steal a kiss and headed out, jogging towards the break room. I shook my head and smiled to myself before I replaced my glasses and tugged at another file – sighing, not being able to remember if I had read it or not.

I had just got into reading the autopsy report – again – when I felt this ice cold, wet hand slithering across the back of my neck.  
"Shit!" I gasped and jumped up, scrambling to find whatever the hell it was that may or may not now be embedded down my clothes. Then I heard him laughing and spun around indignantly. "That wasn't funny Nick!" I punched him in the arm.  
"Oh yes it was," he said chuckling now and dropping his takeaway container onto the end of my desk. I was still scowling when he dropped me a kiss and handed me my soda and straw.  
He'd started on his burger, but I knew he was watching me. Playing oblivious, I popped my soda before I unwrapped the straw and took my time inserting it into the can. I slowly brought the straw to my lips, playfully sticking out the tip of my tongue running it along the head before slipping it into my mouth. I looked up at him wide eyed, feigning innocence, and hid a smile when he moaned mid burger mouthful.  
"Burger that good, huh?" I smirked.  
We sat in silence for a couple minutes while he ate and I stole the balance of his fries, nibbling one by one. It wasn't long before we were done.  
"I'm going to the ladies and then we can restart."  
He nodded, wiping the side of his mouth with a crumpled napkin. "Le'me trash this and I'll meet you back here."

We need a starting point, I mused on my way back from the bathroom. We need to build a foundation and start from there. Cases like this – with skeletal information – are always difficult to work. I was starting to get antsy and concerned with the lack of detail my report to Grissom was going to contain. I shrugged it off and was determined to have some sort of thread line before I left my office again.  
I walked through the doorway only to have it slammed shut behind me. All too quickly I felt an arm snake around my waist and pin me to the door – Nick's lips crushing mine. The kiss intensified and I sighed into his mouth, crunching his hair between my fingers which only seemed to spur him on – thank God for heels, as I felt the slight strain in my neck. I moved my head sideways to grant him access to my soft spot – under my ear down to my neck. He made his way up towards my ear with gentle butterfly kisses until he got to my ear where he whispered, "Should we stop…" It was more of a suggestion than a question. I struggled to think rationally with his hand up my shirt and his mouth latched onto my neck, but we needed to get to work. We both said we shouldn't let us interfere with work, but now I'm starting to see his point about restraint and torture.  
I ran my hands up his sides and across his muscular pecks, which only encouraged him to pin me harder to the door – any more pressure and we were going to go right through the door. I lightly gave him a little push backwards and heaved out a breath. "Nick stop. Stop. Nicky, c'mon. Stop."  
He still had me pinned against the door, but he lifted his head and looked at me before tenderly kissing me – the feverish passion extinguished for now – and said, "You right. I'm sorry Cath… it's just –" I put my fingers against his lips and shook my head before kissing him warmly.  
"Let's just refocus," I said as I slowly pulled away. "You gonna have to let me go though." I nudged his thigh and he hissed.  
"Just gimme a second," he sounded strangled.  
I rolled my eyes and snickered before sitting down, readjusting my bra and shirt and finger combing my hair.  
He moved to sit down and winced, a look of agony on his face.  
"Okay," I cleared my throat and picked up a file. I motioned with my head towards him. "We'll fix that later, but for now let's get back to the case."  
He exhaled deeply and then said, "Right. Where to from here?"  
I looked at the front folder I was holding. "The autopsy."


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I took out the autopsy photographs and – although procedural – I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness while looking at them and emotion is dangerous territory when working a case. I knew this, but my heart always overpowered the logical side of my brain landing me in hot water way more often than what Grissom has written up on those employee performance charts.  
"This is brutal and cruel, bordering on sadistic," Nick commented gravely while reading a section of the autopsy.  
I shuffled through the mound of paper for my copy, setting the awful portraits of death down for a second. I frowned and shook my head as I read silently. "We're obviously dealing with one sick bastard Nick."  
He nodded in reply, his eyebrows knit as he bit down on his bottom jaw in disgust. I knew what it was – he couldn't stand it when the case involved women or children; even though they were main factors in a large part of the crime we handled, it still got to him.  
"TOD is estimated at least 4 to 6 hours before we arrived," I read. "Wait, how is that possible? Were there any witnesses at the scene?"  
Nick shook his head and said, "It was bit bazaar actually. All that commotion and not one nosy neighbor."  
"Well… to be honest I thought the whole neighborhood was bazaar – to use your phrasing. All the houses looked alike, right down to their scary looking garden creatures. Is there a reason for that? Is the murderer within the range of obvious suspects?" I threw questions onto the table, free for both of us to answer.  
Nick disagreed and said, "I don't think so Cath. Those hosh-posh suburbs are like that – their reputation and image are what their lives consist of; none of them would jeopardize that. Besides, we have no evidence to lead us in that direction."  
I huffed. "We have NO direction Nick, that's my point. We have to investigate each and every angle, which is going to drag the case out – who are we to dispute that though? It doesn't matter how long it takes, we need to find the twisted individual who did this."  
He backed off in agreement, knowing better than to argue with me when he knew I was right.  
"That early of a TOD means he couldn't have got too far," he mused, "unless he had planned to make it a quick get-away."  
I chewed on the end of my pen. "Why have a quick getaway though, when he spent all this time at the crime scene itself? It makes no sense." I carried on, now listing the COD as well as contributing factors. "COD was a kitchen knife to the chest and a .38 revolver to the forehead – close range. Doc states knife was to subdue her first, then the .38 is what killed her."  
"That explains the mess at the scene – it was like a blood bath, difficult to accurately process evidence," Nick added.  
I moved to the next paragraph of contributing factors. "Definite signs of sexual assault, so she was raped. No fluids – he wore a condom. However, there's vaginal abrasions indicating forceful penetration. Doc can determine that rape wasn't post mortem – so she was still alive – but by that time he had already stabbed her. Doc's noted that she had more blood flow from her chest wound - obviously as her heart would've been pumping overtime in adrenaline, and probably fear, while she was trying to fight back."  
"She fought back?" Nick questioned.  
I nodded. "Defensive wounds – presumably from the knife - on the underside of her arms and ligature bruises around her wrists. When she started struggling he must've restrained her and then raped her with her arms above her head. There's bruising on the shoulders from the impact too."  
"Oh God," I froze and stared at the page in horror.  
"What?" Nick asked, his tone full of concern. "What? Cath? Are you okay?"  
I nodded again, numbly this time before saying, "Jesus Nick. He tortured her. He burnt off the tips of her fingers – we can't process her for prints because she doesn't have any. He's also extracted her teeth so we can't allocate dental identification. This sick fuck knows exactly what he's doing. That makes him even more dangerous – he thinks he can play authorities."  
Nick swallowed hard and looked mortified. "Please tell me this was post mortem. She wasn't alive when he was having fun."  
I silently read on and then confirmed, "No it was post mortem – thank God."  
"How do we get any reliable DNA samples now though? We have nothing concrete, although we could try hair – it's not much confirmation; sketchy realistically."  
"We still have trace evidence that needs to be processed and reported," I said clutching at straws here trying to give us some sort of spark to start the fire. "I'm going to see if I can persuade Doc to have another look at the body – maybe there's something we missed. He burnt her fingers – were saving prints the only reason? Or did she manage to swing a couple of scratches in there?"  
Nick raised his eyebrows. "I doubt he's going to be too impressed with that Cath."  
I shook my head. "No, I'll just insist that it's for my own curiosity and that it has nothing to do with him or his findings. In fact he's presented some stuff we might be able to use – once we have a trail, of course, which is why I want a closer look."  
"There's nothing much more we can do – waiting for trace evidence and now on additional autopsy findings; why don't we head home? We can grab dinner, slip in a few hours sleep and then come in early to get a head start. When do you pick up Lindsey?"  
I wanted to protest, mentally arguing with myself that there's so much we can and should do, but at the same time I was exhausted. Life had been draining the life out of me lately.  
"Okay," I gave in eventually. "Lindsey is still with Eddie for a while. I don't like it, but I'm trying to keep peace for this joint custody nightmare. Your place or mine?" I smiled a little at the thought of us sharing houses now – it was comforting knowing you had someone to come home to, not just a place to come home to.  
"Your place?" he suggested. "Wouldn't you be more comfortable there?"  
For the umpteenth time that day my heart ached with the love coursing through it for this man. I nodded and said, "It will, yes, but what about Sam?"  
He waved nonchalantly and replied with, "I'll stop by to check on him before coming over to you."  
"I'm going down to Doc now and hopefully by tomorrow we'll have a little more to build with. I'll meet you in the lobby?" I tried to hide the wide smile that was now coming out of hiding.  
"Right," he nodded before he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close, planting a kiss that he soon deepened. My office door was wide open and anyone could walk in or walk past and would see us. It was just that in that point of time I didn't care. I returned the kiss as passionately as possible, moaning against him. He released me and murmured, "Let's save the fuel for later."  
I laughed as he headed towards the front of the building and I headed to the elevators.

A couple of minutes later and that didn't go too badly, I concluded as I walked into the lobby. A scowl and some muttering, but nothing dramatic so I'm optimistic. Nick was nowhere to be seen, so obviously he had left already. I stepped out into the warm Vegas air, key in hand and headed towards my SUV when I saw Nick a couple of parking spaces down taking a call on his phone. He looked up, saw me and beamed. I grinned back and moved to open my car door when I saw the white A4 sized envelope on my windscreen. Frowning in curiosity, I leaned over and pulled it loose. I turned it over and it was completely blank – no name, address, postage stamp or marking. Even more curious I ripped it open and pulled out gray scaled photographs – like one would normally use for surveillance ops. I flipped through them and my blood ran cold. My hands started clamming and my chest turned tight with trying to breathe. I whipped around frantically, but there was no one there. Nick was still on his phone when he saw me panic. He ended the call and ran over calling, "Cath!"  
"Hey," he was slightly out of breath. "What's going on? Are you okay? Is it Lindsey?"  
I stared at him unable to speak – the words were there, but the mechanism of making them heard had malfunctioned. I swallowed and shook my head slowly.  
Nick gently held my upper arms and looked me in the eyes. "Catherine, what happened? I need you to tell me. Are you okay? Is Lindsey okay?"  
He hadn't seen the photographs I clutched in my hands. When he did look down, he pried them from my frozen fingers and looked at them. He looked up and tried to do a scout around like I had earlier. We were the only two people present in that parking lot.  
Immediately he pulled me into him and held me close against his chest. I relaxed a little and buried into him when I started to shake.  
"Hey, Cath come now - sh," he whispered against the top of my head while squeezing me. "I'm staying with you. You're coming with me to check on Sam and then we'll get dinner and go to your place."  
I nodded against his chest. This look-a-like case just got a little too much of a look-a-like case.


	9. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Cath and Nick take a break... a little light smut ensues.

 **Chapter 8**

I was curled into the corner of the sofa with my back against the arm rest so I was facing Nick – who, once again, was sitting so close to me I could feel the warmth of him emanating against my knee. Dressed in sweats and a tank tee shirt, I picked at the Chinese takeaway we had collected on the way home – I had lost my appetite. Every now and then I dug out a bite of chicken and passed it down to Sam, who was lying on the rug on right next to me. He hadn't left my side since we had fetched him. I had insisted we bring him with us as I didn't feel it safe for him – I knew I was being paranoid, but I was trying to go with my gut. At the same time I began to doubt myself, hoping that I didn't unravel along with the case – this case that we had barely started, I harshly chastised myself.  
"So that's why he forgets my existence when you're around!" Nick joked, trying to lighten the mood. When he saw I didn't even smile, he closed up his takeaway container and leaned forward to put it on the coffee table. I sighed and followed suit, much to Sam's disapproval. I scratched his ear and he put his head down – quite content to stay where he was next to me.  
Nick put his hand on my knee and I looked up at him with a faint smile this time, which quickly disappeared.  
Switching positions for a second, I reached for the plastic evidence envelopes that protected the horror – only to unleash it when I slowly turned them over to view the photographs.  
They were of me at the crime scene – climbing out my car, walking up to the house, talking to Nick, us walking back to my car and Nick kissing me on the forehead. Every move had been captured, basically, and now I felt captured. At the bottom of all of these photo's was a photo of the crime scene and the victim – Jane Doe. Only my face had been cut out and pasted over hers.  
Nick was watching me carefully, his forehead creased with worry.  
In the house that now thundered with eerie silence, I didn't know how long I had been staring at the photos for until I felt a hand lightly touch down on my knee. I jumped as he startled me and he quickly put both hands on either knee and said in a low and calm voice, "Hey Cath…" soothingly he started to rub gentle circles and gradually moved up to the top of my thighs. By this time he had shifted so he was sitting directly in front of me, facing me. He tugged at the photos and laid them on the coffee table before he looked me in the eye and could see the fear clouding my usual confidence and determination – my spark had fizzled, at least that's what it felt like. There was too much feeling to this case and not enough information – both evidence and otherwise.

Nick cupped my head and then leaned forward while he gingerly tilted it closer to his. He chastely kissed me, idling on my lips before I opened a little to allow him access and he wasted no time in accepting the invitation. He had let go of my head and was alternating his hands between my waist and feather gripping my neck. His kisses became more intense, longer and deeper and I had to turn my head to come up for air while he planted hot and fiery kisses along my neck and collar bone. My eyelids fluttered closed and all I could focus on was the love and tender care this man was proving to me without expecting anything in return. This thought alone spurred me to pull him closer and kiss him harder while I had wrapped my hands around the base of his neck and tenderly massaged him. He growled softly, low in his throat and I broke the kiss to smile against his lips. We pulled apart momentarily, but were still close enough to feel his warm breath. We were both breathing heavily before Nick took the gap and dived back in stating – in between kisses, "This is for torture at work." I smirked and pushed him down with the palm of my hand before I straddled him and he groaned. I smiled wickedly and moved slowly, feeling him under me. I rocked forward and pinned both arms on either side of him so I could tease him with kisses. I knew it wasn't going to last, so I wasn't surprised when he sat up and flipped me so I was straddling him from the front.  
Completely winded now he brushed a stray strand of hair from my temple and said, "I told you you're going to kill me."  
I laughed and, using his shoulders for balance, I rocked forward – again, knowing what I was doing to him – and he groaned into the kiss as each one felt endless the more intense it became.  
Eventually I couldn't handle any more – if we kept going there's no stopping as both of us were drowning in each other.  
I moaned loudly and swayed backwards. "Wait." I heaved a little. "Wait." I planted both hands on either shoulder. "Nicky."  
He looked at me unsure and searching my face for an answer. "Is something wrong? Am I hurting you? Do you want to stop? His questions were earnest and my heart melted. Most men – the faceless men I was with before – would ignore me and carry on. God knows Eddie did it – no matter how many times I said 'no' or 'stop'; that wasn't in his vocabulary of understanding.  
He gave my waist a quick squeeze – bringing me back to the present moment – and said softly, "Cath? If you want to stop we can, all you need to do is just tell me."  
I shook my head and stretched forward, kissing him with as much strength as I could muster.  
I moved back, now out of breath and said softly, "No." I paused. "No Nicky, I don't want to stop. I just…" I caught myself – was I really going to do that? Was I really going to tell him I loved him? I glanced at him and that's what I saw – love. His kind brown eyes – his gorgeous smile that would crinkle the corners of his eyes. The way he was always so attentive – making sure I was safe and okay; putting me before himself. I knew I could trust him – our past history as friends proved that, as well as loyalty. I kept my eyes on him – glance now turning to gaze. Why couldn't I just say it?  
He rubbed along my sides causing me to shiver. "Cath? It's just what?"  
I shook my head slightly and snapped back to the present. "Nothing. It's nothing."  
"Are you sure?"  
I nodded firmly. "Yes, now let's go Cowboy." I smiled slyly and nudged him with my knees. He grinned and stood, lifting me with him and I wrapped my arms around his hips. I gasped loudly when I felt how ready he was. Hearing me gasp, he laughed against my neck – his breath tickling me into a shudder. We kissed all the way to the bedroom – we couldn't get enough of one another. The bedroom door just behind me so I used my hands on his shoulders for leverage to lift myself up and down – just a little – and was rewarded with a strangled, "Oh God Cath stop. I'm gonna be done before we've even started."  
I traced the shell of his ear before holding his neck to propel forward and breathed into it whispering, "Well we'd better start then, shouldn't we?"

With that he gently laid me on the bed and moved to dim the lights. If this is what a relationship with this man is going to be like, I'm in all the way. ****


	10. Chapter 9

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 9br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Author's Note: I do apologize for the shocking sentence construction in Chapter 8 – words left out and words used in incorrect places. I was overtired!br /br /br /I felt my body slowly calling itself to life, the blood starting to flow through to my limbs; almost like coming out of a deep mind clouding sleep - one that makes you feel /The room, assuming it was a room, was as black as the ace of spades – wait, something wasn't quite right. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't move a muscle, that's strange. On my back with my arms at my sides and my hands flat, I tried to push against the surface I was lying on – might give me an idea as to where I am and what the hell happened. Had I been drugged? I must have been; that would explain the brain fog. I felt smooth and cool stainless steel underneath me and I tried to move my head to look around, but couldn't. Then I realized I was naked and started to panic. Why was I here? Who had brought me here? Where was Nick? Is Lindsey safe? My heart started to pound louder and louder, drumming in my ears, with each disturbing unanswered question until I thought it was going to beat right through my /All of a sudden there was a ray of bright light breaking through the darkness and it settled on my face. My eyes burned at the intensity and heat and I wanted to scrunch my face into a squint to see if I could know more about where I /Then a figure appeared out of nowhere – almost like a creepy apparition. It leaned over me and hovered – a doctor's mask! The apparition blocked out most of the light framing the individual giving off a soft, misty-like glow. Had I been injured? Is that why I'm here? I'm in the hospital – that must be it! I tried to speak - my brain yelling at my mouth to do its job and deliver the audio version of my thoughts, but my tongue felt swollen and heavy; way too heavy to move. I tried to groan, but my voice box felt like it was being strangled. I felt my breathing increase as fear shot through my body like a thousand icicles pinning me all at /The Figure hovered and slowly leaned down for a close up as I tried to force my mouth open in a silent scream. There was no face. The Figure had no face – no facial features at all, almost like being an incomplete model of clay. The Figure held something in Its hand and opened it like you would a dollar bill and my heart paralyzed in fear. It was a toe tag for the morgue and on the toe tag was "Catherine Doe". The Figure moved down towards my feet to attach the tag and I tried to escape. I tried to roll. I tried to sit up. I tried to move my legs. I tried to lift my feet to kick It. All was in vain because no matter what I did, how hard I tried, I couldn't /The Figure walked back to the upper half of my body and stopped next to my shoulder, completely nonplussed and at ease as though It were working on a project. If I could just maneuver my tongue out the way then perhaps I could push some words out or a sound – anything to be able to /It reached across me and picked up something lying just next to my ear. It dropped it and I heard a clatter – steel against steel is what it sounded like, so the object must be steel. As It held the object a couple of millimeters above my face it glinted in the light, catching a shine. As terrified as I already was, I felt my stomach clench and the feeling to throw up so badly I thought I'd choke. It was holding a scalpel and glacially aimed at my chest to start a Y incision. Finally, I was able to scream, and I shrieked as lout as I could in the hope someone would hear /br /br /I bolted upright, my screams turning into gasping sobs. I felt strong arms and a muscular chest – Nick was holding me tightly murmuring, "Cath it's okay. You're safe. I'm here. It's okay. No one is going to get you, I'm right here." I started shaking violently and he tightened his hold, murmuring into my hair and softly kissing the top of my head. I felt the rush of tears that I just couldn't stop, wetting his chest – he didn't seem to mind though. Outside a loud grumble of thunder and a flash of lightening lit up my bedroom triggering a fresh adrenaline of fear and I cried out while rain down poured, belting against the window. Nick continued to hold me, allowing me to snap out of the nightmare in my own time with my brain struggling to try and differentiate between fact and fiction. He rocked me slowly – barely moving, but the soothing motion could still be felt and gently rubbed circles on my back trying to comfort me. Eventually I had calmed down and had managed to gain some control over my breathing, stopping the sobs and tears. I couldn't stop the shaking though, but I reluctantly pulled away slightly so I could look at /He looked at me with worry stitched all over his face, his mouth in a line and his eyes exuding fear and concern. He still held both hands in his, refusing to let go. "Are you okay now?" I tried to nod, but shaking as badly as I was did not help the confirmation. He squeezed my /"Wha… wha… what happ-ened?" I choked out. "Ni... Ni… Nick I wa… wa… was Ca… Ca… Catherine D… D… Doe." I stuttered, not believing that this was just a /"Hey." He brought his hand to my cheek and I flinched, until he tenderly pushed a stray lock of hair out the way. "Cath, look at me." Dazed now, I lifted my head and looked at him. "You're Catherine Willows. Okay? Catherine Willows. You're NOT Catherine Doe. I could beat Greg into next year for coming up with this idiotic label." My breathing started to slow down and had returned to normal after a couple more minutes. We were still sitting up in bed, my tank soaked in sweat. "I need to change," I muttered attempting to slide off the bed. Nick let go. "Cath I think we need to make you some sweet tea." Typical Southerners social protocol. My heartbeat – now returned to normal – twisted and my breath caught in my throat. What would I have done had he not been here? I threw my sweat drenched tank top and sweats into the laundry basket and pulled on boy shorts and a massive, oversized tee shirt that was Nick's. I had accidentally packed it into my suitcase while we were on one of our out of town cases and I had just never given it back. It still held his scent and used to be such a comfort until I got the real thing. I climbed back into bed and Nick pulled me to spoon against him as he locked his arm around my waist, hugging me close. I didn't resist and sank back into him. We were both quiet for a couple of minutes, listening to the rain hammer against the windows and the odd boom of thunder followed by the flash of lightening that continued to light up my /"Cath…" his said in a low voice, his breath right next to my ear. "I don't think you should continue with the case. I just think it's taking too much out of you and I'm worried."br /I stiffened in defense and feeling that he quickly said, "You're a damn good CSI. I'm not questioning your qualification, experience or skills, but I don't want this case cracking you instead of the other way around." He kissed my temple and lingered there for a few seconds before stamping another /I took a deep breath, giving it a moment before I answered him. Yes, I could see where he was coming from and why he would feel that way, but I can't just let this case go. The fact that the perp is now after me says it all – they're afraid of being caught and are obviously threatened by me knowing that I could probably be the one to put them behind bars, if not in the /I found his hand around my waist and squeezed it, running my fingers along his arm before I turned to lie on my back in order to face him. He was still lying on his side, now propped up with one arm while the other rested on my chest. I looked up at him lovingly and said, "Nicky, I know you're worried. I hear and understand you. I can't just quit though. You of all people should know I never just walk away from a case. Hell, even if I'm pulled off a case I still work it." He gave me a small smile at that and tenderly kissed my /"When we start getting results I'll feel better. I didn't realize how much this case was embedding itself in me. Or maybe I did, but I chose to ignore it." I sighed, feeling a little /He put a hand on my cheek and lightly moved so my head faced him and kissed me slowly, almost protectively, in reassurance. I returned the kiss in equal capacity, trying to be as tender and loving as I could. We broke apart, both of us out of /"I can't let anything happen to you," he whispered. I smiled softly. "I'm serious Catherine. I will not let anything happen to you."br /When he called me "Catherine" I knew he was trying to catch my attention as to how severe he was being whatever the situation. My fingers lightly danced across his chest now before I pulled his head down and kissed him urgently this time. "Nothing is going to happen to me," I whispered, a hairsbreadth away from his lips. "I have you." I kissed him. "And you know." I kissed him again. "I never." Another kiss. "Let the bad guys win." A final /He sighed. "I should've known it's pointless arguing with you."br /With that he lay on his back and maneuvered me with him so I was lying wedged against his side with my arm over him, my fingers making walking movements up and down his chiseled chest. He reached down and lifted my hand to brush a kiss across my knuckles. I hummed a contented sigh and drifted off into a dreamless sleep – one that had no faceless men. The only real man's face was lying right next to me. I smiled at style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span /span/p 


	11. Chapter 10

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 10br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"I walked down the hall gripping the updated autopsy report, eager to get to my office where Nick was getting a head start on the crime scene – seeing as though he was a part of the team who had collected the /I had woken to a brightly lit blue sky, the ground still fresh from the heavy rain last night; the nightmare now gone but definitely not forgotten. The fact that it felt so eerily real is what kept me skittish – instead of confident and secure, I was now hesitant and trepid. I mentally shook myself sternly, firing off a pep talk that involved no mercy. I had handled far worse cases than this, so why was this so difficult? Why was I being so ridiculous? I had started to notice that the harder I pushed myself the more protective Nick became – trying to shield me even from /br /br /"Here's something we would never have thought of!" I unintentionally barged into my own office, startling Nick who had dozens of photo's and file notes spread across my /"Only if it ties in with the crime scene – we need the scene as anchorage," I /Nick looked up, a file in his hand. "Let's hear it."br /I dropped into my office chair and wheeled myself closer to my desk before I opened the file. "Children."br /"I'm sorry, what?" Nick asked /"Kids Nicky. She had a child, a baby actually, to clarify. Doc said she had given birth fairly recently – as early as 6 months."br /"Wait, so there's a 6 month old out there without a mother?" I didn't need to look at him to know that this was just another dagger in the case for him. br /"According to Doc, he's sure this was her first and only child. Did you find any signs of a baby in the house?"br /Nick shook his head. "Not in the section I processed. Bedrooms – 2 – all looked like regular bedrooms. Nothing strange about the bathrooms either – 1 main, 1 en suite. I didn't do the living or dining room though. I also didn't do the patio or back yard. There's probably more in here." He gestured to the stack of photo's and /"Wait, there's more."br /Nick pulled his mouth before saying, "Do I really want to know?"br /"Whether you want to or not is irrelevant. You have to know." I arched an eyebrow at him. He /"Doc was able to treat her hands enough for us to be able to get some skin scraped from underneath her nails as well as a partial finger print. It might not be enough for identification, but I insisted they try anyway."br /"And no one says no to you." Nick cracked a small smile – /"Damn straight." I smiled and /"If that partial print is enough then we'll finally have a name and will stop having to call her Jane Doe. I hate that. It seems so heartless."br /Nick then perused the photo's when I was /"Names aside, I'm hopeful about those fingernail scrapings, if we're able to determine anything from that." span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanbr /"I've separated the photo's into various area's – each pile is a different area and coupled it with its notes." That was Nick though – always neat and tidy, methodical and /"Great!" I flashed him a big smile. "Let's start with the living room, then dining room and patio. We'll move onto what you collected later."br /"Okay, well the living room…" my phone rang and stopped Nick in /I looked at the caller id and frowned when I answered. "Clarke?" Before I could continue he cut me off with, "Did you get the legal documents I couriered?" I frowned again – court off guard. "No? What documents?" Nick waved a hand at me. "I'm sorry Clarke, could you hold for a sec." I lowered the phone without waiting for an /"Yes, the envelope shoved under your door? Remember? It was under your door the night of… well, the night we found her."br /A vision of the envelope flashed past and I remember telling Nick to drop it on the living room table, where it still lay unopened. I closed my eyes in dismay. "Shit!" I whispered. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" I took a deep breath before I put Clarke back to my ear. "I uh, I don't think I received it. Why? Now what? Is Eddie's demand list growing?"br /"Well…" Clarke /"What Clarke?" I was now starting to become irate – Eddie would never grow up. Everything always had to be tit-for-tat and I was so over his childish bullshit. Lindsey had more sense in her and she's just turned /"Are you sitting down?"br /"Why would I need to sit down?"br /"Catherine, he's suing for sole custody."br /My heart dropped – thank God I was sitting down. I felt a wave of ice cold panic hit /"Why? When did this happen? Can he do that when we haven't even mediated joint custody?"br /Ignoring my questions, Clarke had even better news. "There's more. He's pushing to terminate visitation."br /I gasped and could already feel the tears threatening to fall, feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. "On wha… wha… what grounds?" I /"Look Catherine, he's coming after you and he's coming with one helluva fight. As much as I'm on your side, he's got a pretty sturdy case."br /"Well we'll have to crumble that case, won't we!" I snapped, my voice now becoming /"Catherine, just calm down and listen to me."br /"Don't you DARE tell me to calm down! How can I calm down when my child is in jeopardy because her father's a raving lunatic?" I was yelling now. I caught myself and tried to calm down. "You do know he's only doing this to force me to come back, right? This is just proof that he's using my daughter as a pawn in whatever sick game it is that he's playing!" My voice shook with /"Let's meet and we'll go through the case and see what we have, okay?"br /By this time the tears were free flowing and I nodded, not realizing he couldn't see me. "Yes," I choked. "Yes – email me the info."br /"Will do," he said /"Thank you," I now /"And Catherine?"br /"Yes?" Still a /"I'm sorry it's come to this."br /"Me too." I could barely get the words out before I burst into tears./span/p 


	12. Chapter 11

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Author's Note: Cath faces some /strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"ubr /br /Chapter 11br /br /br /u/strongI held my head in both hands and sobbed quietly, my hair framing a curtain around my phone that lay in front of me. The home screen was still lit from delivering Clarke's brutal phone call. I had known Clarke a long time – being in law enforcement our paths often crossed, so when I had hired him to manage my divorce from Eddie I felt secure that I had done the right thing. Clarke was an excellent attorney and, although he had never handled any of my cases, I had seen him in action in numerous others. Grissom also thought highly of him, which cemented my choice in using his /br /br /I heard Nick get up and noiselessly close my office door before I felt his strong hands on my shoulders. He massaged me for a minute or two before he gently tugged for me to lean back in my chair where he could drop a kiss on my forehead. He reached down into one of my desk drawers for a box of Kleenex while I sat up and cleared my throat, attempting to wipe the tears that had showered my face – my makeup looking like one of Lindsey's artworks; thinking of her set me off again. I felt Nick grasp my hand, leading me to stand up and deflate into his arms where I sobbed for a couple more moments. He held me and allowed me to sob myself out, until I felt like I had dried up tear ducts and couldn't cry anymore. It occurred to me that I had been spending a lot of time in his arms lately – especially during my bad moments that once again got me thinking, what would I have done without him? He massaged my neck with one hand and held me against him with the /Eventually, I breathed in a deep gulp of air and took a step back – he still grasped my elbow with one hand. I dabbed the last of the waterworks under my eyes and blew my nose before I cleared my throat and looked up at /He slid his hand down to find mine and gave me a squeeze before murmuring, "You want to tell what that was all about?"br /I took another deep breath and immediately felt the pain sear through to my /"That was Clarke." I sounded muffled with my nose being blocked, still trying to recover from the punch of /Nick nodded and waited for me to recollect myself. "I know Clarke – he's worked some of my cases. He's a good guy and plays no mercy in court."br /It was my turn to nod now. "Partly why Grissom recommended him. I also know him from various cases, but he's never worked any of mine. Anyway, he handled my divorce and is now handling custody. Originally we had agreed Eddie would have her Thursdays through to Mondays – but obviously that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted her more often, which was ridiculous. It didn't take me long to figure out that the only reason why he kept fighting the custody arrangements is because it meant that he would be able to see me more often, which is what he wanted. He vowed when I eventually filed for divorce that I would always belong to him and he would never let me go. He's never had any interest in Lindsey and now he wants sole custody and termination of my visitation," I scoffed in /Nick listened attentively without interruption, rubbing his thumb across my hand in comfort and /"Lindsey adores her father – you've seen her," I sighed. "You also know that I try to make it a point of never bringing him down in front of her or for her to watch us argue either. I don't think any of that ever occurs to Eddie, but I'm conscious of it in the sense I don't want her to be emotionally scarred from living in an unstable home – shunted back and forth between her parents. I don't want her to feel like a pawn and that's exactly what Eddie is doing." I clenched my jaw and took a sharp /"This has nothing to do with Lindsey then," Nick said gently. "His sole focus is you."br /"But she's the one who's going to get hurt the most no matter how much I try to protect her! Eddie infiltrates our lives like toxic poison because the 'law' has deemed it fair he do so!" I spat out, my face depicting a look of pure /"Cath," Nick said calmly and led me to sit next to him on the small sofa in the corner. "Clarke is an ass kicking attorney – you said so yourself and he's got Grissom's praises too. You work in law enforcement – an upstanding and commendable job. You've got dozens of people who know you and can accredit for you. Eddie's twisted plan is going to backfire and he's probably going to be the one with no custody and termination of visitation – not you."br /"I hope you're right Nick. I really hope you're right because if you're not…" my voice waivered on the last word and I looked down, trying to take in a deep breath before a fresh flow of tears could threaten to /We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. I had now moved to lie next to him, my head against his chest and his arm around my waist. We had been doing this a lot lately too and it was the safest I had felt in a very long /He firmly kissed the top of my head and murmured, "Cath… " he hesitated, "Can I ask you something?"br /I nodded against him and raised my head to look up at him. "Sure," I answered /"Did Eddie… was he ever… did he ever… was he abusive?" He tried to ask /I stiffened against him, unsure how to answer him. "He… never hesitated to lift a hand… or foot, for that matter," I replied slowly. "I'm sorry," I /"Hey." Nick sat forward, bringing me with him. He made me look at him by leveraging my head and rested his hands on either side of my neck. "Don't do that. Don't apologize for him. And don't allow him to make you feel guilty for something that was never your fault – ever. No matter what he says, any man who stoops as low as to hit a woman, especially one that he supposedly loves, is a coward." Nick's nostrils flared slightly in fury and his breathing had become a little labored. He brought my lips to his and gently, but firmly, kissed me. I relaxed into the kiss and welcomed him into me, moaning without realizing it as he explored my mouth thoroughly – almost insistent to try and make up for my past. I gasped and broke away and then, panting from exertion, I asked, "What made you ask?"br /He dropped his hands from my neck and rested them on my knees. "I've never liked him. You know that. I've always thought him to be cagey. I think the one instance that made me suspicious is when he stormed the lab and pinned you against the wall. Thank God Grissom had got to him first because if I had…" he trailed off, leaving me to fill in the blank of what he would do. I sensed it wouldn't be /"Can I ask you something else?"br /I breathed in silently and exhaled painfully. "Sure," I whispered this time. He could tell this was painful for me, but I ignored it and wanted to tell him the /"Did he ever rape you?" He asked in a low /I looked down and fidgeted with a ring on my finger. His hands were still on my knees and I felt his body heat flooding me creating the sense of total ease. He didn't push me, but waited for me to answer in my /A couple of minutes went by before I looked up at him and said, "He took what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it." I left it at that because I think that basically said it /"Oh Cath, baby no." He stood up and enveloped me into a tight bear hug – just like he did the night we found Jane Doe. He held me for a long while and when we did separate, he danced intense kisses all over my face, neck and collarbone before he landed on my lips. He didn't wait for an invite this time, but met my tongue with his, rolling us over from his mouth to mine and back again. I groaned into him and clutched at his shoulders before combing my hands through his hair, dragging his head down to me so I could deepen the kiss. He fell back against the sofa and I straddled him, our mouths still joined. As I sank down on his lap I felt how hard he was already, how he throbbed insistently against me and I gasped into the kiss, my eyes flying open. He reacted by putting his hands on my ass and sliding me closer – skimming his arousal. I began to unbutton his jeans and struggled with his belt buckle. I was just about to yank his belt off when I felt him pull away and grasp my /"Wait Cath." He was breathing hard. "Let's not do this here. All it takes is for us to do it once and then we'll be doing it every chance we get."br /I lifted an eyebrow at him. "What would be so wrong about that?" I leaned down and kissed my way up and down his neck, throwing in gentle little nips and bites. He dropped his hands and tightened his grip on my ass and then strangled out, "Cath stop. Please stop… stop… I… I can't… I can't… Cath please!"br /I smiled wickedly as I slowly ground against him while he continued to beg me to stop. My smile turned into one of amusement as I felt his struggle, leaving me to lean forward on my knees and kiss him as intensely and as passionately as I could before landing both feet on the floor in front of him. He sat up, his elbows on his knees and breathed hard for a minute or two. I still stood in front of him wearing a smile of entertainment /He lifted his head to look up at me, still breathing hard, and panted, "No fair… so… no… fair."br /I felt a tug of guilt and softened as I stepped forward and held his head, drawing him to rest against the flat of my stomach before I leaned down and kissed the top of his head tenderly, running my hand through his hair. He sighed against me and we stayed like that for a few contented moments, both of us reluctant to separate when I heard the notification sound on my /Nick stood up and, now having the height advantage over me, was able to tower over me while pulling me into a tight /"Whatever that email says," he murmured and I felt his breath puff gingerly on the top of my head, "we'll handle it, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to you…" he paused a second before he added, "or to Lindsey." br /And with that I turned in his arms to pick up my phone where the envelope for a new email was flashing. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span /span/p 


	13. Chapter 12

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 12br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"I looked around the parking lot, trying to clear my head in order to focus before I saw Clarke. I took a deep breath and muttered to myself, "Let's do this." I will not let Eddie get away with this, no matter what I had to do, I would do it – that rat bastard was not going to get my baby girl. I didn't care whether he was her father or not because, at this stage to me, all he was is a sperm donor. I regret my life with him and have paid the price for that bitterly. Lindsey is the only blessing I received and the only thing I don't regret. If I had to re-live it all over again just so I could have her, I would do it in a /I had left Nick back at the lab to go over the crime scene to see what we had. We would then do a summary of what to put into the first report we had to submit to Grissom – I was expecting a nudge from him any day /br /br /Clarke's reception area had changed – yet again – to upkeep the modern day turning points of interior design. I liked it – as I always had for as long as I had known him – because it gave a clean cut and professional edge, oozing the impression of "I take no bullshit" and that was my kind of /"Ms Willows," his receptionist, Margie, greeted me with a warm smile. If I had to guess, I would say she could be about a decade younger than I am – it was hard to tell with all her makeup and obvious nip and tuck procedures. Margie didn't boast vanity though and was always incredibly kind and helpful with anything I needed regarding legalities – especially if Clarke wasn't /"Hey Margie," I forced a smile. "Is he in?" She wasn't buying the smile – working in her field, it wouldn't surprise me if she had learnt how to read people better than most behavioral /"Sure, you can go right on in," she said as she clipped a couple of documents /br /br /"Catherine, hi." Clarke was seated behind his enormous modern oak desk that screamed expensive and exclusive design. It was a gift from his buddies at the bar association – or so I'd /"Please, sit." He gestured to one of his patent leather visitors /I nodded and tried to smile a little before I sank into the chair that molded itself to my /I looked over and could see he had already pulled my file out and all its legal /I took a deep breath and was about to speak, but he beat me to it. "Catherine, I just want you to know that coming from a legal bound profession this kind of case is not uncommon."span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanHe fiddled with his Parker fountain pen. "However, coming from a professional curtsey point of view? Let's nail the bastard."br /I felt a genuine smile cross my lips for the first time since his phone call. "Clarke, I have to be honest with you and say that this has knocked me badly. I knew Eddie was dirty, but I didn't think he'd drop this low – low enough to use my own daughter against me. Lindsey is completely innocent – she's a child for God's sake – not some figure on a game board that can be maneuvered about as the player feels." I felt my cheeks flush with /Clarke nodded and said, "You know that and I know that. We now need to prove that. You know as well as I do how slippery Eddie can be and how he's dodged the bullet of the law so many times it could be considered admirable. The fact that he's even made a couple of friends in high places opens a lot of gateways for him too."br /"That doesn't matter! I don't care what it takes Clarke – if he wants me, he can take me, as long as he leaves her out of this." My hands started to shake so I clenched them into fists. br /"We can't let that happen either. If he gets you, then who gets Lindsey? There's a reason why you left him Catherine." He looked at me over his glasses, no need to elaborate. He knew about the /"Okay, so what do we do? What do I have to do?" I sat tensely, my leg starting to bounce ever so slightly in fear and /"Well let's look at the case he's trying to pitch against you." He reached into the file and pulled out some sheets of /"Number one. Your job. He's claiming that not only are your working hours very late but that they are also irregular, which leaves Lindsey with strangers." My mouth dropped to protest and he held up a hand. "Let's finish and then you can rebuttal. Contributing to point number one, your job leaves you tired and incapable of taking care of her. He claims she's been forgotten at school a couple of times." I clenched my fists tighter, my nails now almost digging into my /"Number two. He's claiming that the environment she's in is endangering her life – she's in jeopardy being in her own home as criminals could target her, taking into account as to who her mother is. Number three. He claims that your variation in chosen male companions could pose a potential risk to her." My eyes widened and I bit my tongue, waiting for Clarke to finish. "His concluding point is tying all this together stating that if you look at it in the grander scheme of things her life with you is not in her best interest. I gotta say Catherine, he's made some fairly stable accusations." He put down the last page he had read off /I inhaled sharply before trying to steady my voice. "Clarke, you know me. How DARE he do this? That's a load of crap and you know it!" I waved my hand at the lethal – yes, lethal, not legal - documents. "All of that is circumstantial – events dependant on circumstances and nobody can predict anybody else's life events based on upcoming circumstances. It's a bunch of Eddie bullshit, is what it is." I huffed, tempted to bang my fist on his desk in /Clarke was quiet in thought. "Yes, you know it's bullshit. I know it's bullshit. We now have to convince a judge that it's bullshit – expose Eddie for what he is. My expert opinion – if I had to judge this for a different client, one I didn't know as well as I know you – is that yes, Eddie might have a strong case, you however, are her mother. She loves you and doesn't hide that fact – just like any normal child would, providing that child feels loved. Lindsey's what, four?" I nodded. "The judge will take that into account – she's old enough to understand the basic terms of right from wrong. Now, in the pretense of being biased, the judge will never ask the child who he or she wants to live with. He will, however, ask the child questions about each living environment and draw evidence from there. Normally for custody cases with small children as young as Lindsey, it's preferred that a female judge reside over the proceedings. My expert opinion – again – is that you are well known amongst the legal eagles, phrasing it like that. Your track record speaks for itself. Eddie might think he's coming in with all guns blazing, but you've got bigger guns. You've also got people who hold bigger guns who are willing to stand behind you."br /I nodded slowly, grateful for all that he was saying and my muscles began to relax a little. Eddie thought he had a solid case, but Clarke has just proved that our case is equally as solid, if not /"What happens now though? Custody lines have been blurred while we're waiting for mediation. I sort of let it slide in the notion of keeping peace and trying not to piss him off," I /Clarke hummed in understanding and then said, "Well for this it'll be fifty-fifty custody. You'll alternate weekly."br /I frowned and Clarke could see that I didn't entirely agree. "That's going to disrupt her totally – exactly what I'm trying to avoid."br /"I understand that Catherine, but unfortunately that's how it's got to be – until custody is finalized."br /I nodded and sighed. "Okay then. Well at least he can't keep me from her."br /Clarke sat forward in his massive wingback chair. "That's another thing. The termination of visitation. How do you want to handle that? What angle do you want to take?"br /I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I'm not sure. I've never really thought about it. I don't like the fact that she's with Eddie unsupervised. I doubt that he would ever hurt her, but he always made it clear that as long as I was the punching bag then Lindsey wouldn't have to be." I looked down, the tears threatening to fall /"We could use that as leverage, but do you want to terminate his visitations?"br /I shook my head silently. "I couldn't do that to her – as much as I despise Eddie's existence he is still her father and she loves him. Maybe we could… I don't know, settle for supervised once a week visits?" I asked /Clarke agreed and made a note saying, "I commend you on that. There are far and few parents between who would go that route. That will also count in your favour – show that you have Lindsey's best interests and not your own, which I'm sure will become blatantly obvious the more dirt that's dug up. I hate to touch on this, but as I know it isn't a secret – do you want to bring up the abuse allegations against him? As it'll go towards character witness?"br /I froze and went into a bit of a daze while trying to formulate my answer – eventually I murmured, "No. I would if I had any backing evidence, but I don't. I never reported it so charges were never made. I never went to the ER so there are no medical records. The bruises and scars are long gone, at least the physical ones are." I smiled /Clarke cleared his throat, obviously not knowing what to say so instead he said, "We'll nail him Catherine.  
I'll make sure that this little girl stays with the one who loves her the most – you."br /I nodded and stood up to leave. I wanted to sprint out the door and back to my car so I could break down and cry. Clarke held his hand out for me to shake. "I'll be in touch. Now that we have his case we need to give them ours, which I will do this week. In the mean time, it's fifty-fifty custody like we discussed. If he causes trouble, call LVPD and lay a domestic violence complaint – that will just count against him in the custody battle."br /"Got it. Thanks for all your trouble Clarke. I appreciate it and it means so much to me that you're fighting as hard for Lindsey as you are for me."br /He smiled and said, "Just doing my job."br /I smiled back at him and walked out into reception. Margie wasn't at her desk so I let myself out and speed walked to my car. I had just closed the door before I broke down. My phone began to hum indicating a call coming through on vibrate. I saw Nick's name across my screen and swiped to answer. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span/span/p 


	14. Chapter 13

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; color: #2a2a2a; background: white;"Author's Note: Cath's being hit from all sides at the moment and Nick is the only thing keeping her standing. How much more will she be able to juggle?/spanuspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"br /strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"br /br /Chapter 13br /br /strong/span/uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';""Hi." I was barely /"Hey – am I interrupting or is it over?" Just hearing his voice melted away some of the tension my muscles insisted on clinging to whenever Eddie was /I smiled into the phone. "No, I've just finished – it's not over though, it's far from over. I still have a long way to go before it's over." I /"We."br /"Huh?"br /"We Cath. We still have a long way to go."br /I felt my chest tighten as my heart kept falling for him. He was unlike any other man I've ever dated or been with. I find I keep wanting to shake myself to make sure this is real – as cheesy and as corny as it sounds, it's the God honest truth. br /"Cath?"br /I was silent for a minute, not trusting myself to speak. I've been way too emotional lately, although – once again I've noticed – I've only ever let my guard down with Nick. I wasn't even aware I was doing it and that's what scared me, however, at the same time it was some weird version of comfort. It's all new to me and Nick knows this, which puts me even more at ease - he never pushes or /"Cath? You still there?"br /"Nicky," I whispered softly. I swallowed before speaking. "I don't want to drag you into a mess that's not yours. It wouldn't be fair on you. I – "br /"Cath," he interrupted me. "Stop. When we became involved you came as a package deal – you and Lindsey. I've never thought of it in any other way, so whatever problems you're facing I'm facing them too."br /My jaw opened to speak, but I couldn't get the words out because there were no words – I didn't know what to /"Nicky," I whispered again – softer than /"Where are you?" he /I coughed to clear my throat before I answered. "I'm still at Clarke's in the parking lot. Why?"br /"Meet me at Hidden Hills. I think there's a lot we need to talk about."br /Suddenly an ice cold streak shot through me. "We need to talk" was almost never a good thing. I felt my heart begin to pound slowly – that sickening thump, thump, thump that echo's throughout your /I nodded and then murmured, "Okay."br /"See you soon."br /With the call ended my phone switched back to its home screen where Lindsey was grinning at the camera, engulfed in a patch of daisies. The sun crowned her head giving her the accurate description of Daisy Chain Princess. My finger touched her face before I locked the phone and dropped it into the cup holder just below the gear stick. I sniffed and wiped my eyes before the tears could drop. What did he want to talk about? What did he mean by "since we became involved"? Is that what this is? Are we just involved? Or are we in a relationship? Is that too serious? Are we too casual for that to be accurate? Questions were swimming around and around in my head. I thought we had agreed that we weren't going to label anything. I leaned back against the head rest and took a deep, what I hoped would be, calming breath before closing my eyes. When I rejoined the world a couple of minutes later, I put the car into gear and reversed before I turned and headed in the direction of the /br /br /As I pulled into the park and drove towards the grove of trees I saw he was already there. When he saw me, he motioned for me to come to his car. I grabbed my phone and bag and hopped into the passenger seat. br /He was smiling – what looked like a happy one. "Hey."br /"Hey," I was still /He leaned over softening his wide smile and cupped my face with both hands before kissing me firmly, but gently. As is custom by now, I was so swept up in him that I moaned into the kiss while I rested my hands on his cheeks, where I felt his five o'clock shadow which only enticed me. I dropped my hands and clutched his neck, almost yanking him towards me in order to deepen the kiss. I felt him grin against my lips, which tipped me into having a little laugh of my own slip out. I leaned back slightly so we could face each other and held his face where I rubbed both thumbs over his cheeks feeling his barely there stubble rough under my fingertips. I lost myself in his eyes for a couple of seconds and all I saw – all I've ever seen – is love. The warmth that emanated from this man didn't surprise me anymore – it's who he is. I moved my hands down and delicately grazed my thumbs over his lips. He was still amused and wearing half a smile before I captured his lips with my own. I took the lead and intensified the kiss almost immediately, sliding my tongue against his and he groaned as one hand fell to my waist where he tightened his grip. I was basically kneeling in my seat now, so I reached down and flipped the leaver to slide his chair back a couple of inches. He gasped in surprise - but eagerly welcomed me onto his lap, securing me by placing both hands on either side of my /Straddling him now I relaxed against him completely, placing hot kisses up and down his neck. This caused him to grunt and he grabbed my shoulders, jerking me backwards as I gasped, catching me completely off guard. br /br /br /At the feel of being shaken so suddenly and his strong hands squeezing me, I felt a wave of momentary panic wash over me and my stomach dropped. Shit I had pissed him off. I automatically stiffened and my eyes widened. "I'm sorry," I whispered and looked down. "I didn't mean…" I stammered. I then tried to move, but he'd locked me in place. Shit. I lifted my head and my eyes met his, only they weren't his. "Please," I whispered. "I'm sorry. I…"br /He tilted his head and frowned – confusion flashing through his eyes. I swallowed sickly slowly. I wasn't sure whether I could move or not, so I stayed paralyzed in place. He reached out to stroke my cheek and I flinched instinctively, expecting the explosion of pain from a fist any second. My hands, now in front of me, were squeezed into balls so tight my knuckles were turning white. When nothing happened, I opened my eyes slowly and saw Nick with an angry look on his face, his mouth tugging to one side. Oh God. Now I've done it. Now I've fucked it up. I tried to take deep breaths, but my windpipe wouldn't release /br /br /"You thought I was going to hit you," he said quietly. It wasn't a question. It was an accurate statement. br /"Cath."br /"I'm sorry," I choked as I pushed back the tears. "I…"br /"Hey," he said softly as he took hold of my fists and opened my hands before he lovingly took them in his. br /"Listen to me. Look at me." I looked at him hesitantly. br /He gently squeezed my hands. "Cath, I'm not Eddie. Or any of the other assholes you've been with. I will never hurt you – ever – no matter what. And God help anyone who hurts you while I'm around."br /I opened my mouth a couple of times before I stuttered, "But you were angry. I…"br /"Cath, I was only angry because in that moment you were afraid of me." He tenderly threaded his fingers through mine and then out again, playing with both our hands. "I had triggered that. And I was angry because I realized too late what Eddie and the others had put you through." He reached up and lightly caressed my cheek before brushing a stray piece of hair out my eye. br /I felt myself relax as the fear and tension slowly drained from my body. I felt so stupid and ashamed now. What had come over me? Where did it come from? God I'm such an idiot. I cleared my throat and said, "I'm sorry Nick. I… I, uh… I…" I fell silent and he waited patiently as I tried to pull myself back together, soft and gentle touches here and there. He lifted my hands and butterfly kissed my knuckles. Eventually I said, "I don't know what I was thinking. It's so stupid and pathetic. I can't believe I let it happen. God I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I'm a fucking mess." I frowned, angry at /"Hey. What have I told you? Don't apologize for him and don't make excuses for him. Don't be so hard on yourself Cath. You carry way more than what people realize and you mask it well – too well sometimes."br /I began to nod slowly and even gave him half a smile, feeling a lot calmer /"I know, let's get something to eat and head home where we can exchange updates – you about Clarke and me about the crime scene. How's that sound?"br /I smiled in full now and leaned forward, softly kissing him and whispering in his ear, "You're after my heart Nick Stokes." I moved to switch to the passenger seat, but he anchored me again and leaned forward to whisper in my ear, "You already have mine Catherine Willows." He then kissed me slowly and thoroughly before releasing his /My heart fluttered. "I'll see you at home," I said breathlessly as I hopped /He watched me walk to my car and made sure I was in and safe before I drove /I couldn't wipe the smile of contentment off my face the whole way home. How did I get so lucky?/span/p 


	15. Chapter 14

Author's Note: Did you know?  
U2 is on Marg's music playlist.  
'Mary' is actually Marg's first name. ****

 **Chapter 14**

"It just infuriates me!" I stabbed my turkey salad and chewed with clenched teeth. "It's the same fucked up concept he's had about me since I met him!" I waved my fork in the air before plunging it back into my salad. "He made it clear he owned me and even after the divorce he's still trying to shove me into a collar clipped leash no matter how many times I snap back at him." My voice had hitched a notch or two higher than usual.  
"And Clarke's sure you could win sole custody?" Nick was sitting sideways on the sofa eating tacos while I sat cross legged, my back against the arm rest, facing him.  
I nodded and swallowed the mouthful before I answered him. "He's… optimistic, if I can phrase it like that. It just kills me Nick, to have to put her through this. It isn't fair on her. She's an innocent child who didn't ask to be engulfed in this nightmare. As much as I'm trying to protect her I'm not really doing a very good job at it." I looked down, now picking my salad.  
We were both quiet while U2 softly infiltrated the silence. I reached for my soda, the bubbles changing my palate for a few seconds.  
Nick wiped the corner of his mouth before he set his taco down and reached over to grasp my hand. "You're doing the best you can Cath and that's all you can ever ask of yourself. The most important thing is that Lindsey knows how much you love her and that she never has to question that fact. And that's your foundation of your case – Clarke said it himself. It's your love that's going to push through any other shit Eddie's going to try and pull. Your love for her makes sure that she's safe and well taken care of in every aspect – basically keeping her best interests at heart. Eddie is claiming that's what he's doing, but you don't need a genius to see through that act – any judge in their right mind will – and when you start to become more of a subject in the case than Lindsey, all you'll need to do is emphasize what he's already brought up. He'll be digging his own grave." He kissed my hand quickly and gave it a squeeze before he went back to his taco.  
"Can I be the one to push him in?" I looked at him over my salad, only half serious.  
"As long as I'm the one to bury him." He didn't even try and suppress the grin and I laughed out loud, coughing and trying not to choke.  
When we had settled down, Nick reached for his bottle of water and asked, "So when does this fifty-fifty custody start?"  
"Uh, well…" My brow furrowed a little. "I'm assuming tomorrow being Sunday? We'll pick her up tomorrow evening. I suppose I had better contact Eddie." I cringed. "Maybe I should just text him instead of call."  
"Do you want me to call?" I was touched at how quick he'd offered to be the buffer.  
"No." I shook my head. "I don't think that would be a good idea. He'll probably use it as 'one of my many male suitors' point." I rolled my eyes.  
"Well I am coming with you – to him we're work colleagues. He can make of that what he wants, but there's no one to collaborate it."  
I didn't even protest at this because I knew I'd feel better with just having his presence with me.  
"I guess this means we go back to nightshift instead of 'all hours' shift?" He had an amused look on his face.  
I scrunched up my paper napkin and threw it into the empty salad bowl along with my plastic fork. "Yes." I nodded. "Obviously flexible, but I want to try and be as routine-like as possible with her. I always have been until Eddie fucked it up." The look I gave Nick felt like one I had when I walked into a crime scene with an unpleasant smell.  
I ticked the list off my fingers. "I'll go work the nightshift – as usual – so that by the time I knock off I'll be home to get her ready for preschool. I can also pick her up; have meals with her, playtime, bath and bed etcetera. She'll be fast asleep by the time I leave for work, so she won't even miss the fact that I'm not there."  
"Wait, so whose going to watch her while you're at work?" Nick asked, while finishing off his taco.  
"Remember Maryanne?"  
He nodded. "Wasn't she Lindsey's nanny since birth? I thought she moved though?"  
"She did, but it wasn't permanent. It was just so she could sort her folks into a nursing home. She's moved into freelance writing for the publication company too, so she's basically mobile with work and can work her own hours too. She's agreed to come back."  
"That's a relief then – less stress and pressure off you." He straightened on the sofa and propped his socked feet on the coffee table before tugging my arm, pulling me towards him. I didn't even try and object as I fell to lie against him; hearing his strong heartbeat almost lulled me to sleep.  
"We still need to work on the case," I murmured against him. "I'm pretty sure Grissom wants his report on Monday."  
"He can wait," Nick mumbled and I felt his chest rumble as he spoke. "We can brief tomorrow – we have the whole day until we need to pick up Lindsey." He moved me closer next to him.  
"'Kay," I whispered and buried into him, my eyes now heavy with sleep.  
"Shit." My eyes shot open and I wriggled out of his embrace.  
"What?" Nick asked, both concerned and confused.  
"Nothing serious." I shook my head slightly and sighed. "I need to text Eddie and tell him we're picking Lindsey up tomorrow."  
I picked up my phone and grimaced. "I hate this."

Contact: Eddie  
Message:  
Hi. Just wanted to let you know I'm picking up Lindsey tomorrow evening.  
I'd appreciate it if you had her ready by then.  
Thanks.

"Yeah that sounds fine," Nick commented after I'd read it.  
I had just dropped my phone on the coffee table before it dinged with a notification.  
"Do I dare?" I pursed my lips.  
After reading Eddie's reply my eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Wow. Okay then."  
"What? What did he say?" Nick had now sat up.

Contact: Eddie  
Message:  
That should be fine Cath.

"Wait. I know what he's doing. He's trying to play Dad of the Year – leaving no concrete evidence of what an asshole he really is. I deleted all his messages – as soon as I get them."  
"Well, we'll have to see what he's like in person then," Nick mused as he leaned back.  
I sighed and rolled my eyes while climbing back into his arms.  
"It'll be okay Cath." He kissed the top of my head and then my forehead, lingering for a couple of seconds.  
"It's not that Nick."  
He waited for me to continue.  
"I don't want this to interfere with work and it feels like it already has. I can't afford to fuck this case up. The way Grissom is handling it it's bordering on "highly sensitive" – regulation wise, I mean. I feel I'm being torn in two." I looked up at him.  
"Cath, part of me still strongly feels that you should drop the case. I keep saying it, but it's because as an outsider – I can see what this has already done to you."  
I stiffened slightly, so he leaned down and tenderly kissed me.  
"I know," he said softly against my lips. "I'm not arguing, I'm just a little worried."  
I reached up to caress his cheek and slowly reconnected his lips with mine.  
"I just need to find balance," I murmured quietly into his chest. "Which will come together once we make more headway on the case."  
"As long as you and Lindsey stay okay then I'm okay." He gently tightened his embrace and began to lightly rub my back.  
With that my eyes became heavy with sleep and it wasn't long before I gradually drifted off.


	16. Chapter 15

Author's Note: The story doesn't give the "angst" warning for nothing. Cath and Nick finally confess - how far will their relationship go? Is it going to be strong enough to handle the future?

 **Chapter 15**

"Cath."  
"Hmmmm." I think I vaguely hear my name, but it seems too far away and muffled to be sure.  
I sighed deeply and lazily buried into the comfort of my safe zone.  
"Cath, hey." There it is again. Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away.  
"Cath, c'mon." I felt a soft brush of what I'm pretty sure were fingers. I was being pulled from the luxury cloud of sleep that I wasn't quite ready to leave yet and wanted to fight to stay.  
"Hey Wifey, wake up."  
That did it. In a flicker of panic my eyes shot open and, squinting with a disoriented gaze, I saw Nick's face begin to form clearly in front of me. I blinked once or twice and then felt for my bearings and realized I was still on the sofa – we had never made it to bed. I was covered in one of the sofa's overthrows.  
"Good morning beautiful." He was now sitting on the coffee table, leaning forward with elbows on his knees wearing a "morning sunshine" smile. He reached forward to gently kiss me, cupping my chin.  
"Hmmmm," I hummed and stretched. "Something smells good." I grinned lightly, watching his reaction as I stuck out my hand to find his.  
He cradled my hand between his. "Well that could be me – I've just showered," he said in a low voice that sparked a delicious shiver up my spine.  
I moved to sit up, then reached forward, clutched his shirt collar and yanked him towards me so I could kiss him thoroughly. He moaned and bent forward to have a slight height advantage. In breaking the connection, I put both hands on his lean shoulders – I had to remember to tell him his gym time was paying off – and easily tipped him to resume his seat on the coffee table. He looked at me, unsure what to do, so I stood up and slipped into his arms to sit on his lap. I kissed him again, but delicately this time, just tasting the rich flavor of his mouth. His lips curled into a smile during the kiss.  
"Uhhhh… yes, you do smell good. You taste good too," I said, "but there's something else that's riveted my senses."  
His brow furrowed a little in confusion and I looped my arms around his neck, planting another kiss on his mouth and then made my way towards his ear in a trail of little hot kisses. When I got to his ear I whispered, "If you think we're hot now wait until I get that caffeine into my system."  
He laughed as he realized the innuendo and his breath tickled the nook of my neck.  
"I've just made a fresh pot," he whispered back; his words titillating against the shell of my ear.  
I rested against him and he tightened his hold around my waist cooling our infusion into a loving embrace instead. I sighed contentedly. I can't remember the last time I felt this at ease and this protected, but then again I don't think I've ever felt this way… hence why I never wanted it to end.  
"We need to get going," he said softly into my hair. "We need to consolidate the case and what we have so far."  
I groaned. "What time is it?" I felt a little stab of guilt that said to me I needed to focus and start my day. The case needed me, Jane Doe needed me and later Lindsey would need me.  
Nick started to caress my back – not helping matters at all, but it felt too good to stop.  
"10am. You were so restless last night and when I woke up this morning it looked like you had finally settled into some proper sleep. I didn't want to wake you until I had to."  
My heart jellied and I squeezed him into me, suddenly not wanting to let go.  
"I don't deserve you," I murmured. No man had ever cared for me the way Nick did.  
He shifted us so I was back to facing him, but he was the one wearing the bewildered look, obviously completely oblivious as to why I was so emotional.  
"What do you mean you don't deserve me? If anything Cath, I don't deserve you. I – "  
"You care for me in a way that no man ever has Nicky," I interrupted him. I cupped his jaw and ran my thumbs over his lips – now plump from kissing.  
"No man has ever viewed me good enough for that. I was only good enough for one thing and one thing only and once they had that they didn't want me anymore. Two things, actually, if you count the coke." I let my hands slowly slide down his chest and rest in my lap, my gaze following until I was looking down at them now folded in my lap.  
"Hey," he said quietly, but firmly and held my hands. "We've been through this, but we'll keep going through it until you understand what an incredible person you are Cath. Every second I'm with you I count my lucky stars! I still can't believe you chose me. Me! I always thought you and Grissom were an undercover item, but then I thought you and Warrick might have something on. When I found out that was all speculative rumours – kindly provided by Mr. National Enquirer himself, Greg – I can't tell you how relieved I was. I can't explain to you or to anyone how happy I am to be with you."  
He lifted my hands, forcing me to look at him, and kissed them lovingly before holding them against his chest where I could feel his heartbeat. The same heartbeat that was my favourite lullaby to fall asleep to.  
My eyes had misted over and I didn't trust myself to speak without breaking down. The emotions were that intense – this scared me, yet thrilled me at the same time because surely this meant we're in a relationship level now? Labels or not? Have we reached that status?  
I swallowed hard and took a shuddering breath. It was now or never. "Nicky…" I whispered. "Nicky…" I raised my hands to lightly clutch his neck, rubbing my thumbs on either side of his jaw line again. "Nicky, I don't know what to say." I swallowed again. "You make so happy and I feel so safe, protected and cared for. It's strange having someone genuinely care about you when you've never had that before, you know? You've seen it, but never experienced it for yourself and now? Now that's happening! I just…" I shook my head, my thoughts now becoming one big jumbled mess with too much I wanted to say and not knowing how to say it.  
"Nicky…" I said my voice clearer now. I looked into his warm brown eyes, catching myself before I got lost in them. He smiled in encouragement and waited for me to continue.  
"Nicky… I…" Why was this so hard? I paused again, before it came out. "I'm in love with you." It was a murmur.  
I held my breath and watched him. His face lit up and now it was his turn to cup my neck with both hands so he could shower my face with baby-breath kisses. I squeezed my eyes shut and clung to him while I burst out laughing. It wasn't too long when he also started laughing as he enveloped me tightly against him once more.  
"Cath, you don't know how happy I am to hear that!" He gently grasped my arms and tugged me to face him before dropping his hands to rest on my waist.  
"I've been in love with you for a while now, but I wasn't sure if you felt the same and – "  
"Wait, you were?" I looked at him with wide eyes, taken aback. "Then why didn't you say anything?" I lightly thumped him in the shoulder – not that he'd feel it, but it made my point.  
"Ouch," he said and rubbed his shoulder with one hand. "You don't know your own strength sometimes Cath – I don't mean just physically either."  
I lifted my fist to punch him again and he enclosed his hand around my entire fist, grinning.  
"I didn't say anything because I was scared."  
I looked at him and scoffed, shaking my head in silent disbelief.  
"It's true!" He insisted. "I didn't know how you felt about me. I didn't know if you considered me as a friend or just a colleague and if I was a friend I didn't want to fuck that up if you didn't view me as anything more. And you always seemed to be able to get any man you wanted – I saw guys fall at your feet. I… I…" he looked away from me while he trailed off into silence.  
I rubbed my hand up and down his left side. "You what, Nicky?" I softly urged him.  
"I didn't want to be in amongst the pile you had rejected because I didn't think I'd be able to handle it – keeping a distance was the safe thing to do. That's why when you asked me to stay I was hesitant. I didn't want you to regret it and end up on that pile."  
I softened at his words and didn't realize that was how I was perceived. Perhaps my previous "career" had built that reputation for me, which would probably explain a lot. I guess that even though it's a part of my past it's something that's never going to leave me, almost like an invisible imprint.  
"Oh Nicky," I sighed. "First of all yes, you were considered a colleague. That is until I grew to know you and then you became a friend – a close friend. Second of all, it's now my turn to say it; don't downplay yourself and put me on some untouchable pedestal. You're a fantastic guy with a phenomenal heart. You've never been afraid to wear that heart out on your sleeve – so full of love, understanding and compassion. If you had asked me out, I'd have probably said yes." I felt a tiny smile tug at the corner of my mouth.  
"But… I did ask you out." He frowned. "We went to the John Mayor concert."  
"Where you danced with another girl, so I took that as my cue and instead of sulking I smiled and had a drink." I shifted on his lap and diverted my eyes to look over his shoulder before smiling sadly, remembering the bits and pieces I could piece together from that night that was still completely engulfed in confusion.  
"When you basically pushed me into her arms, I took that as my sign that I was just a work colleague slash friend…" he trailed off. "Cath, I'm sorry. I really am so sorry. I should never have left you. If I had stayed with you, like I should have, then none of that would've happened to you." He tightly grasped my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles.  
I shook my head. "You can't blame yourself Nicky. They would've found a way to get to me eventually. I guess I was also dismayed when I saw you with her and then thought of all the other women who I had seen flirt with you. They were all way younger than I was." I looked down again as I felt the flush slowly spread across my cheeks.  
He sensed my discomfort and said, "Age is irrelevant to me Cath – it's just a number. Unless of course it's illegal, but anyone in their right mind would know how sick that is. Otherwise it doesn't mean anything. The connection between two people is what's significant. The connection – the bond – that we have can't be determined by a number."  
"Nicky you're just touching thirty and I'm almost pushing forty." I took a tight breath as the reality of this hit me. "That's almost a ten year difference." I winced in dismay.  
"Hey," he said sternly as he turned my face to fix my eyes onto his. "I don't care. All that I do care about – as I've already stated – is that you and Lindsey are okay. After our first night together I didn't want to push you. I was already well aware of my feelings for you, but I didn't want you to feel obliged to reciprocate. Now can we go back to what started this confession?"  
I felt a smile creep onto my face that just got bigger and bigger until I was beaming at him.  
I snaked my way up his chest and used his shoulders for leverage before I leaned in and kissed him thoroughly, slipping my tongue into his mouth before sighing into the kiss. My fingers moved up to the back of his neck, playing with the slightly longer hair there. Oh how I was so glad he had grown it back. That ignited a trigger within him and he reached up to grasp my face, entangling his fingers through my hair. His tongue took dominance and wrapped around mine – I felt my eyes roll back and I moaned loudly. Eventually, only because I needed to breathe, we broke apart. We were both panting heavily, giddy and starved of oxygen.  
With my hands still around his neck, I drew him towards me and rested my forehead against his. He still had his hands entangled in my hair.  
"I love you," I murmured softly.  
He smiled. "I love you too," he whispered back.


	17. Chapter 16

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 16br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';""Did you manage to sort through all the other scenes? I gather we're not looking for anything in the rooms you actually processed?"br /After a late brunch and a quick shower, we were now sitting outside on my patio with files and pictures spread out on the table while Sam ran around the spacious backyard, enjoying the fresh air. It was one of the things I loved about this house because it was plenty of space for Lindsey to play outside. In the last two years or so I'd accumulated a lot of garden toys for her as well as ones for the pool; which was gated off in front of the entertainment area that stepped off from the patio. The gates were locked at all times, /Nick nodded his head in confirmation. "Yeah, there was nothing of use in any of the rooms I processed. It looked like majority of the crime – if not all of it – took place between the entrance hall and the living room." br /"It really was a nasty blood bath." He emphasized his earlier /I took a sip of coffee. "Wait, how was she found so quickly? It being a blood bath, confirmed by you and backed by the autopsy notes, none of her blood congealed. Lividity hadn't even set in yet. It was as if the killer called it in himself."br /I mused over the autopsy photographs again and the official report in conjunction with the notes that I hadn't viewed before, trying to see if I could squeeze out any more information or if we had struck dry – irony not intended, but the best /"Who called it in? Do we know? Or was it an anonymous 911 call? I asked. "If so, we need to trace that call's location and – even if it's a payphone – it'll give us another lead to follow depending on the graphical site."br /"According to the first officer on the scene, it was a FedEx delivery man who called it in." Nick read off the /I frowned and looked at him in bewilderment. "FedEx? At that time of night? Then surely we can trace the package details?" This case just kept /He shook his head in frustration. "It was put on the 24 hour route. The guy claims when he got there he couldn't find a mailbox or anywhere else to leave it and as all the lights were off he didn't know if anyone was home and if they were they were probably sleeping – says he didn't want a complaint against him to taint his record, so he walked onto the porch and up to the front door to slide it under and that's when he saw the blood seeping out. It's noted that it was a small – but still significant amount - of blood."br /"Okay, that answers some of my questions." I took another sip of coffee. "But it still leaves me with more questions than answers."br /"What makes you think the killer is a male?" Nick asked as he reached for his orange /"Oh come on Nicky." I rolled my eyes. "It's basic profiling. The nature of the crime was violent and depicted with so much rage, basically no mercy. Both gun and knife were used and judging by the amount of stab wounds that were inflicted if it were a woman she'd need to have been mad as hell – maybe even on a maniac level. Also, the stab wounds are deep and jagged, without care. You said it yourself that the scene was a mess. Normally a female's attack would be cleaner and there's no way she'd be able to cut that deep. And Jane Doe was sexually assaulted, albeit no fluids."br /He looked at me with an expression of deference, smiling /I paused, my coffee cup halfway to the vessel it was supposed to be /span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span"What?" I didn't know if I was also supposed to be /Nick shook his head slightly and, still smiling, leaned over to put a hand on my thigh giving me a quick, but firm, /I was still unsure as to what that move meant, so I placed my coffee cup back onto the table, missing its purpose as my energy /"Nicky, what is it?"br /"Nothin'."br /That Texan drawl made me weak at the /I was about to speak before he beat me to it. "It's just how passionate you are about your work. It means something to you; it's not just a 9am to 5pm job. You sacrifice so much and do it with a fierce loyalty. You're also a gifted CSI – you notice things most would overlook. You investigate every lead – no matter how small – and that's been the cause of a breakthrough in so many of our cases. It's something I have always admired and respected you for. When I had just started and was new – " br /"And wet behind the ears," I teased with a hint of /He chuckled a little before he carried on. "Yeah, okay, but you helped me a lot – you probably weren't even aware of that fact. And nothing has changed. You're still just as determined to find justice for the vics and closure for the families." He looked down at his hands after his praise report and flushed a /I turned to face him and cocked my head to the side, my heart touched. I leaned over, squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. "Thank you," I murmured quietly. "You don't know how much I appreciate that coming from a fellow CSI. It's just that sometimes it feels like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else because I'm a woman. My preceded 'career' has tainted my current reputation and there are times when I walk into a crime scene or have to deal with any law enforcement outside the lab and wonder if any of them had been customers of mine. I could swear that there are moments when I feel them looking at me, either trying to figure out where they know me from or, if they know, size me up and mentally undress me." I huffed a little in /"Cath, your work speaks for itself. That should be the only reputation that should matter."br /I gave him half a /"Speaking of work, coffee refill?"br /I nodded /"Be right back." He dropped a kiss on top of my /I sighed and stretched my shoulders and neck a little before I flipped to a clean page. We were making notes to compile into the report Gil wanted; whether he got it by tomorrow or not wasn't entirely confirmed yet. I rubbed my eyes and replaced my /"You always look so hot when you wear them."br /A steaming cup of coffee appeared in front of me followed by an equally steaming Texan who flopped back into his seat beside /I snickered. "I don't usually wear them unless I can feel there's going to be strain on my eyes – the consequences of an excruciating migraine aren't worth the sacrifice for beauty. Contacts aren't necessary as I don't wear them all the time."br /"Okay." I stirred my coffee and switched gears. "We could talk to Mr. FedEx, but I don't really see the point as his statement is pretty clear he knew nothing unusual outside of doing his actual job. What I do want, however, is the details of the package he was delivering. What is the content of the package? Who did it come from? We could look at form of payment as well as the timeframe of payment to delivery."br /I could see Nick was also making notes for more lines of enquiry to follow up /"We have far too much pending with no concrete results and, even though I go through this with each case and I know it's procedure, it's still annoys the hell out of me."br /I huffed, irritated. "We're waiting for a fingerprint match as well as skin scraping results and now the FedEx package too. Ugh." I tossed my pen onto my notebook and picked up my coffee cup with both /Nick wore a look of amusement. "Easy there Red," he joked. "I know you're chomping at the bit, but it won't do us or the case any good to go out there galloping not knowing which direction we're flying in."br /I saw his rationality and nodded before getting up and nudging him to move his chair backwards, which he obliged. I then plopped down onto his /"Proposition," I /"I think that's what I'm supposed to do Cath." He traced circles up and down my arm causing a shudder to run through /I frowned in confusion for a second before I caught what he was /"No! God no, is that what you thought? No, this proposition is way off course from that – way off!" My voice had squeaked and was laced with /His face dropped a /Shit. It fell out faster than I could process what I was saying or how I was saying it. To cover it, I quickly surged /"What I meant was I know we've just eaten, but I'm still grumbling. Let's have a quick snack and then come back to work. I think we should start with the entrance way now, seeing as though that's the most common scene."br /Nick nodded slowly, but ignored my suggestion. "So… you're against marriage?"br /The question hung in the air, slowly suffocating /My heart started to drum beat. "Nicky…" I whispered running my hands up and down his /He stayed silent and continued to look at me with the hurt of something that was wounded by its /"Nicky…" I gulped subtly, trying to calm my clamming /"Either you are or you're not," he said /"Nicky… I'm not against marriage per say – "br /"But?" He abruptly interrupted /"But…" I hesitated. "It scares me." I looked at him honestly and openly. "With marriage to Eddie being such a man-made disaster, I don't know if I can go through that again." I felt the lump begin to form and my throat /"Hey," he softened. "I'm sorry Cath. I'm so sorry. Hey, look at me."br /I looked up and the tears had already started to well up. When they fell, he brushed them away with his /"I wasn't thinking Cath, honestly I'm sorry. I just thought it was because you didn't want to get married to me. I guess I'm still so floored that I'm able to have you." He leaned forward and kissed both tear stained /After thinking about it for a moment or two, the truth of what I really felt fluttered in my /"Yes," I murmured. "Yes I would marry you because I love you and trust you." "However…" I paused. "I don't think we're anywhere near ready for that step." I took a deep breath, getting ready to defend if need /He smiled slowly and began to relax now. "I agree wholeheartedly. I just wanted to know if the option is there, that we have a future together." span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanbr /"Nicky…" I kissed him long and hard before finishing my trail of thought. "Of course we have a future – hopefully a bright one – but you can't leave me. Ever." I pleaded and he could hear the urgency in my /"Never," he said fiercely before crushing me in his embrace, which I happily sunk /"I'm going to find us some snacks," I mouthed into his ear before I nuzzled just under his /He lifted me forward and returned the long and hard kiss before I hopped off and headed to the kitchen. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span/span/p 


	18. Chapter 17

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 17br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';""Did he leave anything at the scene? Gun? Knife? Instruments of torture?" I flinched. "I don't see any pictures, only notes in the reports."br /Nick shuffled through a pile of pictures. "No, there are evidence pictures here – I remember sorting and labeling them."br /"Okay the .38 was identified via the shell case left at the scene. One case shell?" I looked up at /"Basically means he knew he was going to shoot her, so it was planned with no hesitation."br /I nodded in agreement. "It's a pretty gutsy move though, going in with one bullet and not worrying about if he missed his target or his gun misfired. It interprets arrogance and over confidence – both a form of power and control. The kitchen knife, however, was logged as an eight inch chef's knife." br /I glanced at him, perplexed before I continued. "A gun I can understand, but who walks around with an eight inch chef knife in their back pocket?"br /"A very sick and twisted individual," Nick answered. "Although this is Vegas, so anything's possible. I found them – here." He handed me the /I flipped through them. The shell casing I wasn't too perturbed by, it was the knife I wanted to /"Okay, wait, listen to this." I made sure I had his full attention. "The knife wasn't his. It belonged to the vic – look." I showed him the picture of the knife holder where there the chef's knife was /"So was the knife premeditated? Or spur of the moment?" Nick wondered out /I shook my head before I answered him. "No, I don't think the knife was meant to be part of it. I think he knew he went there to rape, torture and kill, but obviously when she fought back as hard as she did that wasn't part of the plan and he needed to subdue her. He orchestrated this carefully, which screams signals of dominance and control - he must be in control, as I've already said. It could also be why he tortured her so severely – punishment for not obeying him, maybe it wasn't meant to be so extreme. There wasn't any physical evidence of what he used to burn her and extract dental?"br /"How do you know all that Cath?" Nick asked in /I cracked a small smile. "Experience and research, maybe with a little studying – mostly experience though. I don't want this to sound acrimonious, but after being in the job for so long you actually start to understand the way a killer's brain works. You might even begin to understand why they do the God awful things they do, however you'll never be able to accept it. Well that's how I see it anyway. A crime scene not only gives you evidence from the vic and how to claim justice, but it also gives you evidence of the killer and how to claim a conviction – if you know how to read it correctly. I'm not always right though." I held my hands up in the form of voluntary refinement, ready to be /"Huh. I didn't know this about you, that's fascinating! I'm impressed!" Nick said in /"Oh Nicky, there's a lot about me you don't know." I smirked at him over my glasses before running my foot up his leg. He choked on his orange juice and I /Once he had cleared his throat he answered me. "No there weren't any torture devices at the scene, but then why do it post mortem? If it was about control? Wouldn't he want her to know he had control over her? Almost prove it to her?"br /"No because whether she was alive or dead made no difference to him," I explained. br /I continued to voice my trail of thought. "The point is he executed his plan and for all we know he might be doing this to play us, try and throw us off course."br /We were quiet for a minute or /"The pictures," I murmured /"What pictures? We have majority of everything here."br /"I'm not talking about the crime scene pictures Nick." I chewed on my bottom /He looked lost until he put it together. "You think he's taking a dig at us?"br /"I think he's doing more than that," I said calmly while trying to still my heart that was starting to thump. "I think it's a warning. I think it's his form of exerting the power he thinks he has by making us puppets on a string."br /"Huh? What? Now you've lost me." I clasped my hands to cover the trembling, but it was too late. He had already seen /"Cath." He took my hands and started rubbing, trying to rub out the /I took a deep, but painful, breath as my chest felt like it had a brick thrown at it. "I was the original target. I am the original target. Somehow he must've fucked up somewhere and realized he had when he saw me at the crime scene. He must've been watching Nicky. It's the only way he'd have been able to take those pictures. He thought he was following me and it probably pissed him off when he saw he had the wrong target. That's where that last picture fits in, my head on Jane Doe's body." I had gone from trembling to stiff as my whole body /Nick's mouth had formed a thin line. "Then we'll use that to our advantage. If he's following you he's basically baited himself – we'll be able to catch him."br /I gulped a little. "I don't think so. He's not going to make it that easy – that's the point, it's all about the chase for him. It's a game and as long as he has the power he's winning – he knows that."br /"What do you want to do? Should we tell Grissom?"br /I shot him a wide eyed look. "NO, absolutely not – under NO circumstances is he to know. You know what he'll do if he finds out. He'll pull me off the case and this is now even more reason for me to stay on it. It's become personal and I need to find out why."br /"Cath." He /"And under NO circumstances is Gil to know about us either." I added. "I know we'll have to disclose – eventually – but not right now. It's double jeopardy if he finds out about this. He'll remove me from the case and he'll remove you from me. And I can't have that happen."br /Nick was watching me, probably thinking carefully about what he was going to /"Okay," he said begrudgingly. "Then under 'no circumstance' are you to be left alone."br /I pursed my lips before answering him. "Fine, but I'm not a porcelain doll Nick. I don't need to be carried around in a glass case."br /"I'd rather have you in a glass case than a wooden one." He looked at me /I rolled my eyes. "I'll be fine. I know how to use a gun and I've been told I know how to kick some ass if need be." I teased, trying to lighten the /"I'm serious Cath. We now know what this sick bastard is capable of. He's made it clear it's you he wants and as long as I'm here he's not going to get you."br /My demeanor relaxed a little. "I know Nicky. I just don't want you to be so focused on protecting me that you're blind to the case. I need your concentration there."br /He tightened his grip on my hands. "Cath, no case is more important to me than you are."br /Damn this man, my heart touched. "Nicky, if we don't catch him there are others out there he may go after. We don't know. He's after me for now, but someone like this has experience. It's logical that they've done this before – that explains the pattern and plan. Either he's in trouble with the law or he's been in trouble with the law – he's gone through the justice system, is what I'm saying. He knows the justice system. If we don't catch him, who knows who might be next." I sighed a little, trying not to sound too /A thought hit me, dissolving my exasperation. "We need to run him through the data bases."br /"But we don't have anything 100% certain we could compare against."br /"We don't need to – at least at this stage. We need to work with what we've got and utilize it to every possibility. What do we know for certain?"br /Nick thought for a couple of moments. "The nature of the crime? The cause of death? The murder weapons?"br /I nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Exactly! We need to run this through the Violent Criminal Apprehension Program – VICAP. It'll match any crime scenes with similar descriptions. If we get a hit we might be able to get our hands on a list of suspects we can start ticking off – you know, those who have been incarcerated, those on parole and those who haven't been apprehended yet and even those who are deceased."br /"What about saliva DNA on the envelope?" Nick /"Clean. He didn't use saliva as a sealant; he used crazy glue – believe it or not."br /He jumped back quickly to the safety subject earlier and threw me a little. "Cath, this guy is obviously dangerous – life threatening. I just… don't want to fuck up like I did the first time. You were raped. If I fuck up this time you're gonna be killed. I know I'm overwhelming you, but I can't help it. We both know I can't be with you every minute of the day, no matter how hard I try."br /He ran his hand through his hair, upset. br /I rested my hand on his arm for a few minutes and we sat in silence, each of us trying to thread our thoughts together with all the new information given – including how the case had gone from dangerous to life threatening; that much was /I sighed softly, squeezed his arm gently and looked at him, trying to be /"Nicky, we can call in either plain clothes or patrol if it upsets you that much. Personally, I'd switch between the two because the way this guy's thinking pattern is wired he's going to grow custom to either. It might throw him more if it was a combination. I don't want to do that because then Gil's going to find out. We both know that even if he removes me from the case I'll work it anyway. The only trouble with that is whatever we find might be inadmissible in court – I can't have that. Do you understand where I'm coming from?" br /Nick didn't answer me. He stood up and tugged me to do the same so he could crush me into a hug that I was sure had the breath knocked out of me. I resisted loosely and tried to step back, but he locked his arms around /"Nicky," I wheezed sounding like I had punctured a lung, which I'm pretty sure was going to happen the longer he kept me /"Nicky," I tried again, a little louder this /"NICK c'mon!" I managed to suck in a breath and blurt his name out /He slackened his grip and I leaned back. "You're crushing me Nicky." I smiled softly up at him and exaggerated a /He returned the smile slightly. "I just want you to be safe Cath. I'm sorry I'm coming off so strong, but after all you've been through it just… I don't know… I just want to protect you from any more, I guess." He looked a little sheepish and my heart went out to /"Hey." I looked up at him and held the collar of his shirt, bringing his head down to my level before I kissed him gently – over and over again until he started smiling. I shifted back and gave him one last kiss before I turned and sat back down to continue /Reluctantly accepting the truce, he briefly massaged my shoulders and lingered a kiss on the top of my head before sitting down next to me. He reached over and put his hand on my thigh, only this time he left it there. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span /span/p 


	19. Chapter 18

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Author's Note: This is an observation, not a note – who noticed a change in Cath? The earlier seasons (I'm watching S1 now) she seems to be lighter – funny, sarcastic, always cracking jokes etc. I noticed the change (drastically) in S7, so I was wondering if I'm the only one who picked up on style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"ubr /br /br /Chapter 18br /br /br /u/strongI stopped dead in my tracks, car keys in hand. "Nick!" I yelled. "Nicky, get out here!"br /He came barreling through the front door and bounded down the steps, still trying to put his jacket on and almost slipping on mud from the recent /"What?" He asked, a little out of breath. "Cath, what? Are you okay?" He'd subconsciously grabbed hold of the top of my /I nodded. "I'm fine – look," I said and pointed to my SUV's windshield. Another A4 white envelope. /"I'll get it," he said and stepped in front of /"No! Wait!" I roughly yanked his hand /He looked at me questionably and I shook my head. "Evidence."br /He still looked confused, so I clarified. "He was obviously in a hurry because he wasn't careful at all – he's already starting to slip up. The only thing that's concerning when that happens is they become more violent, basically taking out their frustration on the current target." I mentally slapped myself as I felt Nick's grip now tighten around my /He clenched his jaw before answering me. "What evidence is there? Aside from his twisted artwork?"br /"Look," I said and gestured down with my head. "Footprint. It's not much to go off of, but if he slips up again then we'll be able to nail him as a common factor amongst all the crime scenes – at least prove he was there, if he claims he wasn't working alone and he just did the dirty work without having any of the fun."br /He reluctantly released my wrist and, after focusing for a couple of seconds, he asked, "Should I get your kit?"br /"Yes," I said and nodded firmly. "We need to cast this."br /While Nick went inside I walked around the vehicle glacially slowly and cautiously, trying to see if there was anything else left behind we could bag as evidence. In the two minutes he was gone, something that sounded similar to a gunshot went off. Immediately ducking down, I automatically reached for my belt and realized I wasn't carrying. I whipped around quickly, frantically looking every which way as to where the sound had come from. My stomach had dropped to the ground and I felt sick before I chastised myself and wanted to laugh, simply out of relief. It was a beaten up drag racing car that had backfired. I never carried when I was with Lindsey, one because I didn't want her to view that as normal – her mother having to carry a gun – and two because of the safety measure. Yes, my gun was always switched to safety but accidents could happen so quickly; especially with a four year old jumping all over you. br /I reached out and took my kit with a shaky hand, but Nick didn't miss a beat – talk about me being the observant one!br /"You okay?" He asked, sounding worried as he lightly rubbed my back a /I nodded and breathed deep. "Totally fine, just caught off guard when I realized I wasn't carrying." br /"Did you hear it?" I asked almost incredulously, realizing he hadn't come barreling through my front door a second time like Superman on /He laughed a little. "Nah, I knew it was a car."br /I frowned at him and waited for an /"My brothers were big drag racers in high school – virtually lived in the garage. You get to know stuff like that if you're there long enough."br /Now it was my turn to be impressed. "Huh, impressive Nicky – didn't know that about you." I /He shrugged, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips before he leaned down and kissed me /"There's a lot you don't know about me too," he whispered against my /I laughed at that and said, "Touché."br /With that I began to unpack what I needed for the cast and Nick gingerly knelt down next to /I sighed, disgruntled. "You know what this means, right?"br /Nick wore a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry Cath."br /I shook my head, upset. "Perks of the job, I guess."br /"Hey, we'll take her to the aquarium next weekend. It's your weekend to be with her and she didn't even know about it, so it's not like you broke a promise or anything. We could take her for ice cream instead."br /Nick was now sitting on my front steps and I joined him while we waited for the cast to /"Thank God we did plan to leave early, otherwise I'd have been late in picking her up and that would be another nail he could hammer into me." My shoulders slumped and I felt Nick pull me against him where I slowly /"Wait." I moved out of his reach. "The envelope. I was so focused on the footprint I almost forgot!"br /"You know I'm not surprised that he sent another one. I have a gut feeling that says he'll keep up the correspondence – another way for him to have hold over me. The only fun part will be guessing what pictures he took from when," I said cynically. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanbr /I stood, brushed myself off and walked around to the opposite side of the SUV, where I leaned across the bonnet and pulled the unwanted mail loose. I turned and made an unhappy face at /"Do you want me to open it?"br /"No," I muttered. I then shook my head to follow suit and made my way back to him on the front /I took a deep breath in preparation before I ripped open the envelope and pulled out the pictures. There was no use in testing for fingerprints or DNA as that wasn't his MO here. No, this was aggravation purely targeted at /Yup, there I was, only this time it was outside Clarke's offices. There were ones of me going in, some far shots of me in reception, more of me coming out and then a couple of me on the phone talking to Nick and - for the prize winner - Jane Doe's crime scene with my decapitated head. Nick viewed them with me in silence, probably not knowing what to /I felt the tears prick and looked up in a weak attempt to prevent them from /"Hey," Nick gently took the death pictures from my numb fingers, stuffed them back into the envelope and lightly set them behind us. "C'mere."br /I crawled under his arm and buried into his chest before the waterworks could flow. He wrapped his jacket around me and kissed my forehead while I sobbed softly – overwhelmed with everything that had hit me from all directions lately; the custody fight with all of Eddie's shit and now a psychopath who was using me as his latest form of amusement. Eventually the sobbing petered out and I sat up, sniffing and wiping my /"The ca-ca-cast should be dr-dr-dry now." I hiccupped /"Stay here, I'll go and process it." He kissed the tip of my nose and I couldn't help the little smile it ignited. I had to pull myself together because if Eddie sees me like this he'll find some sort of way to use it against me. span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span /span/p 


	20. Chapter 19

p class="MsoNormal"strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"uspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"Chapter 19br /br /br /span/u/strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"I sat parked at the Hell House that used to be my "home is where the heart is", anxiously watching the front door, waiting for Eddie to bring out Lindsey. I hated coming back here – every time I did I'm slammed with a cruel collection of clustered memories from the nightmare I survived /I looked to the porch and had visions of when Eddie had literally kicked me to the floor and then out the front door, no matter how desperately I clung to the doorframe. I sprained a wrist then. I shifted my vision to the front porch stairs, where Eddie had thrown me down numerous times. If I glanced a little to the left, he still had the concrete pot plants I had bought when we first moved in – the "honeymoon phase". Those were responsible for inflicting a lot of bumps and bruises. br /My breathing became shallow and I was feeling light headed, so I closed my eyes and tried to breathe calmly, to command my muscles to relax. It didn't work - shocker. br /"Hey, you okay?" Nick asked softly as he touched my shoulder, his brow furrowing in /"Fine," I murmured. "This…it's…" I stumbled with my words that weren't making any sense as my head was being slammed with the current slideshow of recollection. I surely couldn't expect to execute any understandable communication through that. I shook my head to try and dissolve the playlist down memory /"I guess I should be used to it by now." I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with my fingers. br /"Oh," he said quietly in realization. "Eddie didn't move out?"br /I shook my head faintly. "Lindsey was just turning two when we moved out. Even though two years could be considered to be a long time – more than enough time to move on – it's just the memories that you can never escape from and every time I'm here, I'm reminded of just how many awful memories there are."br /I looked at him with a hint of a sad /"Cath, you gotta stop being so hard on yourself. You're only human. You're great with people – Grissom is always calling you the "political" one – but when it comes to yourself…" he trailed off by shaking his /"You don't always have to be strong Cath." He gave me a comforting /I silently turned back to watching the front door, grateful that he didn't push the issue when I didn't answer /My shoulders ached from the tension and my hands gripped the bottom of the steering wheel, knuckles white and stomach in knots. I tried to get it together, but my leg started to jitter until I felt a hand slide lightly onto my thigh and give a gentle squeeze. I turned and looked at Nick, forcing a smile and slightly nodding my head in a failed attempt at /Finally, the big oak door swung open coupled with an echo or two from the giant /Lindsey came bouncing down the stairs, her little pink backpack jumping up and down before she started skipping down the driveway towards my SUV. My heart softened to a gooey marshmallow and suddenly Eddie's shit just didn't matter anymore. The only thing that mattered – the only thing that had ever mattered – was my little girl. She was the reason I had survived because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her at the hands of Eddie with no one to protect her or love her, for that matter. br /I tried to leap out the car, almost forgetting to unbuckle my seatbelt, leaving me to face plant against the window. Nick reached over and quickly unbuckled me so I could kick the door open and meet my baby girl halfway. When she saw me, her eyes lit up and she slipped from a skip into a run as fast as her little legs would carry /"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"br /I beamed and knelt down just in time to catch her as she flew into me and threw her arms around my neck almost suffocating /"I missed you Bugsy," I whispered into her ear before hugging her /I moved to kiss her cheek then her forehead and, finally, her nose - by that time she was giggling and I was laughing. br /"Hello Kitty Cat."br /I stiffened when I heard Eddie's /"Go and ask Nick to buckle you up, okay? I'll be right there."br /She nodded happily. "'Kay Mommy!"br /I stood up and quickly dropped a kiss onto her head before gently "kicking" her bottom. She giggled again and ran towards the car where Nick was already waiting. br /When she was safely out of earshot and sitting in her car seat, I let loose. br /"Don't call me that!" I snapped and looked him square in the eye, almost daring him to say it /"But it's your nickname," he said in a voice dripping with /"Not any more Eddie," I stated curtly, refusing to rise to the bait. I knew what he was doing. He was going to do everything he could to push my buttons and provoke me – almost taunt me – and he knew exactly which ones to push to set me /"What, are you making your way through the work roster? Or?"br /span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanI folded my arms and narrowed my eyes, waiting for his punch /"Your Toy Boy." He gestured towards Nick sitting in the passenger seat, now leaning over talking to /"He's a fellow CSI coworker Eddie," I forced through clenched /"Yeah, I know, that's why I'm asking. What, the Bug Man wasn't doing you justice?"br /I took one or two sharp breaths – he was still trying to rile me /"It doesn't take much to do you justice though, does it?" He was wearing this sick satisfied smile that made me want to /"I mean, you're pretty easy to please – ask any man –"br /"ENOUGH," my voice rose sharply and he started laughing at his own vile /"Eddie, what in your twisted mind decided I'm such a bad mother that you had to not only sue me for full custody, but terminate visitation rights? What is the matter with you?"br /Again he started laughing, completely unperturbed. He actually seemed to be getting a kick out of this – not that I was surprised, which made it even more nauseating. br /My blood started to boil – it had ignited the simmering the minute he had called me "Kitty Cat".br /span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span"You do realize that none of your accusations are going to stand in court." It wasn't a question and I didn't want an answer, but I knew he would answer me anyway because he always had to have the last /"Catherine, when are you going to realize that just because you work for law enforcement doesn't mean you're higher and mightier than the rest of us."br /"What? What are you talking about? Are you high? I swear to God Eddie if I find out you're hitting up or snorting while you're with my daughter I'll do more than just sole custody, I'll bust your sorry ass straight behind bars!" I was fuming!br /"Our daughter, Cath, and you seemed to have forgotten about the days where that – as well as great sex - were all you were good for."br /I balled my hands into fists and shook my head angrily before I spat, "You're pathetic! And I'm not higher or mightier than anyone else Eddie, although it's not that much of a competition for anyone, actually, in comparison to you."br /I turned to leave and he grabbed my upper arm, gripping it /"Let go of me!" I hissed and tried to yank my arm loose. I could feel the flashbacks starting to creep in and I quickly squeezed my eyes shut a couple of times while my breathing escalated and my chest began to /I heard the car door open and Nick's voice. "Let go of her Eddie. Lindsey doesn't need to see this." His tone was clear, firm and /"Gotta get your Toy Boy to come and save you," he sneered as he let me /"This isn't over Eddie," I called over my shoulder as I stalked to the /"No Kitty Cat, it's just beginning," he answered /"Bring it on," I muttered under my breath as I wrenched my seatbelt to buckle it. I was still shaking with rage. Once again, he proved my point – he always had to have the last word. I had learnt long ago that it wasn't worth the fight – literally – and easier to just shut /"Mommy, why are you and Daddy fighting?"br /At the sound of her small voice it triggered daggers into my /I swallowed hard and blinked a couple of times in an attempt to fight off the tears threatening to /"Mommy and Daddy have some important stuff they need to sort out Princess and some of it is hard, okay?"br /I glanced at Nick and shot him a watery smile of /"'Kay," she said and tugged Bear out her backpack. She carried Bear everywhere, except when she went to preschool because she didn't want to share him. In her defense she had stated she would share anything with anyone except me and /"Mommy, why you crying?" She hugged Bear /I cleared my throat that was threatening to close with a sob. "I'm just a little sad Bug. I'll be okay."br /I partly twisted in my seat to face her, smiling while I reached over and grabbed her /"Do you want to get some ice cream and then go to the park?"br /"Yes!" Her face brightened. "I mean, yes PLEASE!"br /Nick and I laughed and some of the whirlwind of emotions began to /Feeling slightly better, I started the car and headed into the direction of Lindsey's favourite ice cream /I hadn't even pulled onto the road yet when I felt the now familiar comfort of Nick's hand on my thigh. I gave him a sideways look and saw he was staring out the window. A soft smile now settled on my lips and – despite all the earlier shit – I couldn't be happier or more content./span/p 


	21. Chapter 20

Author's Note: It's been a while since I last updated; shit (life?) happens, but I will still try and update at least once a week. Anyhoo, I know I've been straying from the actual case quite a bit – there's a reason for that. I want to depict Cath in the light of how we don't often see her – away from the lab and viewing what her personal life might be like. These two chapters are a start at particularly looking at her parenting Lindsey. I split the chapters because it was too long to merge as one, but it doesn't quite flow correctly – to me at least :/  
The case is still in full swing and I'm building it as I go along; there's some stuff I need to research and then see if I can interpret it in my own way. I have the plot all planned out, it's just writing the actual story that will get me there ;) ****

 **Chapter 20**

"Okay Bug, but you know the rule, stay – "  
"Where you can put your eye on me." She nodded solemnly. "I know Mommy."  
I fought back a smile and gently corrected her. "Where I can KEEP my eye on you, yes, because I want to KEEP you safe."  
She scrunched her petite button nose and said, "That's what I said."  
I laughed and kissed her nose mid-scrunch. "Go have fun."  
"Wait!" She whirled around and handed me Bear with her ice cream cup. "Here, you can share."  
And with that she scampered towards the swings. I loved bringing her here, not only because Hidden Hills Park was so big in catering for a wide variety of people, but also because the playground was incredible and so huge that it never looked too full to be crowded or too empty to look lonely.  
"That's awesome," Nick said after watching our interaction.  
"Yeah, she's developing into her own little person." I smiled in affection.  
"That too, yeah, but that's not what I meant."  
I shot him a quick glance and saw the amused expression on his face.  
"I have enough puzzles to work on at the moment Nicky, so yours will have to wait."  
He chuckled. "I just meant it's awesome how happy she makes you. Your whole demeanor changes when she's around you Cath and you need that; with all the crap you put up with you need that little flicker of Lindsey light."  
I shifted on the bench so I was partly facing him - with the playground still in full view - and reached out to clasp his hand, squeezing it lovingly.  
"Well I think you might play a minor part in that too," I teased.  
"A pretty big minor part – I hope," he murmured while he tugged my hand, closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss me.  
I met him halfway, so we didn't crush Bear and his ice cream cup, and touched his lips in a sweet, but brief, kiss before I opened my eyes to find a smile dancing at the corner of his mouth. I beamed back at him.  
"So… explain this," he asked curiously, gesturing to Bear and his ice cream cup.  
"Explain what?" I asked absent mindedly while I scanned the playground for Lindsey. She had moved from the swings and was with a couple of other kids taking turns down the slide.  
I turned my attention back to Nick, trying to formulate a way to explain the rationality of a 4 year old.  
"You know about Bear, right?"  
"Uh… only that she carries him everywhere? There's a background story?" He asked, inquisitive now.  
"I gave Bear to her when she could comprehend that I worked long hours and that Maryanne was there to help me," I explained. "And since then she's associated Bear to me. She pulls him out whenever she feels overwhelmed – negative or positive. Actually, it's a good way to figure her out sometimes – kid's often struggle to express how they feel."  
"It's easier for you too, now that I've learnt what a professional profiler you are," he kidded, only half serious.  
"We're kidding around, but that's the truth, really." I smiled warmly. "Anyway, because she pairs me with Bear, when I'm not around – like when she's with Eddie or I'm at work – she uses him as a replacement. The only place she won't take him is to preschool because then she'll have to share him. She's made it crystal clear that she'll share anything, with the exception of me or Bear." I felt my smile widen as I softened talking about my baby girl.  
Nick saw it and laughed. "Well, it makes sense to me – I get it. She's an easy going kid, isn't she?"  
I had switched senses back to the playground and saw her running towards me. A glimmer of panic surged and I did a sweep over as best I could, but couldn't see anything wrong. It subsided when I saw she was okay as she rammed chest first into my knees, her short arms now clutching my thighs.  
"Mommy," she gasped out of breath.  
I quickly set Bear and the ice cream cup next to me and gently took her arms, sliding them down until her kiddie hands were in mine.  
"What, honey? What's wrong?"  
Although clearly nothing was wrong – her face was flushed from the fresh air, her cheeks now rosy and her big, blue aquamarine eyes shining.  
"Payton's here!" She bounced up and down against my knees. "Can I play with her Mommy?"  
I knew Payton was a friend from preschool, so I canvassed the playground looking for Ann, her mother. When I found her she lifted a hand and smiled cheerfully, waving. I returned the greeting and then felt my hands being tugged.  
"Please Mommy? PLEASE?"  
Again I tried to hide a smile. "Yes, I see her Mommy is here, but – "  
"Stay where you can put your eye on me, I know!" She yelled over her shoulder as she dashed towards the see-saw where Payton was waiting, almost falling over it.  
Nick grinned and I shook my head, still smiling.  
"She seems to think that if she says 'please' and 'thank you' for everything that she's going to get whatever she wants."  
"The more time I spend with her the more I'm realizing she's exactly like you – a little mini carbon copy."  
I scoffed and shot him a look in disbelief. "Not a chance Nick. She might look like me, but she's nothing like me. She's gentle and kind. She's loving and sweet. She's innocent and trusting. I might be biased here – call me out if I am – but she's the most tranquil and serene kid I know. She hates upsetting anybody and will do anything to keep that person happy. She's so soft hearted and that's what worries me with Eddie because he'll use that against her. Who knows where she got that trait from, I don't know – definitely not me or Eddie."  
"She gets it from you Cath," Nick said quietly before grasping my free hand as I held Bear with the other.  
I looked at him, still skeptical.  
"Cath, your life circumstances have forced you to harden and that's not your fault. You did that to survive. I know she got this from you because it's the little things you do – the things you do when you think no one is watching – that proves this to me. When you get your morning Starbucks you always order two: one for you and one for the homeless guy on the corner sidewalk across the road from the lab. You always file all of Grissom's paperwork – without telling him - as he's always in enough shit with Ecklie as it is. How you make any sense of it is just another talent on your part. In living with you lately, the way you not only feed Sam tidbits on the side, but also the ways you make him feel a part of the family. He adores you. It's things like that, Cath, that make the most difference. You always pick up Greg when he gets his heart broken by his latest fling, even though he's got it for you – bad – which is why he annoys you so much. In comparison to us, he's in high school."  
"High school? As opposed to what? I'm in a retirement home?" I blushed and laughed awkwardly."  
"Hey," he said sensing my discomfort and took my hand in both of his now. "Does the age thing still bother you?"  
I bit the inside of my cheek, unable to look at him.  
"Yes, it still bothers me," I murmured after a couple of moments.  
"It shouldn't, but it does, especially after Eddie's biting comments," I continued quietly. "I'm not that oblivious, you know, I know what everyone thinks – Gil and I have been having an affair for years and he "rescued" me from Eddie, offering me solace from that lifestyle. While part of that is true, there's never been anything even remotely romantic between us. Hell, just to get him to maintain a normal friendship – or basic human interaction, for that matter – is challenging for him." I deflated.  
Nick regarded me carefully without saying anything, studying my still flushed face, obviously trying to measure up what he was going to say.  
Out of habit, I felt my head doing its rounds in trying to locate Lindsey and almost instantly I mentally zoomed in on her and Payton at the monkey bars, trying to race one another across.  
"I did tell you that I thought that too, at first – you and Grissom had something on. I had never seen anything though – this clearly explains why – but I think it was your friendship that sprouted and fuelled that idea. You guys are ridiculously close and you were always pairing for cases. I gotta say Cath you can't blame the rumourville for turning overtime about that. I also know that Greg's had the hots for you since day one and, as I mentioned, he'll do anything to catch your eye – good deed or bad, but he seems to get a kick out of making you mad."  
Nick chortled in amusement and I rolled my eyes.  
Still shaking my head I said, "Yeah that was 'back in the day' though. Things have changed, some things in ways I don't think I was quite ready for – I still don't think I'm ready for." I met his eyes and smiled sadly.  
"Such as?" Nick dusted his thumb across my knuckles in reassurance.  
I sighed one word: "Sara."  
Nick nodded, immediately realizing where this was going.  
"I mean, I'm happy he has her. She seems to get through to him in a way I never could – despite all our years of friendship. He's happy and she's happy, so I don't want to be the spanner in the works to fuck it up for them. I've stepped back – purposely – and in doing that I was back to being on my own. It felt strange not having anyone to rely on, someone who I could pick up the phone and call at 2am. Or someone who I could even stay up texting until 2am."  
I licked my lips and quickly swallowed the impending lump.  
"Well…" he said softly. "Now you have me and I'm not going anywhere. In time Cath, you'll come to realize that."  
He gently took Bear and the now frothy melted ice cream cup and placed them behind me, scooted forward and cupped my face.  
"I love you," he whispered before he skimmed his thumbs up and down my cheeks. He then leaned down to kiss me slowly and tenderly.  
"I love you too," I murmured and smiled lightly.  
He leaned down again and I put my hands against his chest, reluctantly pushing him back.  
"We can't Nicky, not here." I breathlessly gestured towards the playground with my eyes.  
I took his hands in mine and clutched them before saying, "You ready for home?"  
"Home? That's your house?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye.  
"Uh, yeah, unless you want me to drop you off at your house?" I offered, not quite sure what it was he was getting at.  
"Nah, I prefer home to house." He grinned.  
I laughed, now understanding him, but then stopped as a thought hit me – a scary thought.  
"And now?" Nick frowned, caught off guard by my sudden change in mood.  
I was quiet for a while, aware that he was watching me. I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, knowing exactly what I wanted to say but not knowing how to say it. I chewed my bottom lip, now watching him watch me. He smiled encouragingly and, surprising myself, I went for it.  
"Nick…" I hesitated and, sensing my trepidation, he laced our fingers loosely.  
"Nicky…" I took a shuddering breath. "We're happy together, aren't we?" I searched his face for some sort of reply, trying to catch it before his mouth released it in case it was the wrong reply.  
He looked bewildered and said, "As far as I know we are. Why? Aren't we?"  
I gave him a small smile. "And we've known each other for a long time – first as colleagues, then as friends and now as – "  
"Lovers?" He chimed in.  
I laughed a little. "Yes, as lovers."  
"Where you going with this Cath?"  
"Well…" I shifted, now feeling uneasy and starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. "What if… what if my home became our home? Permanently?" I stiffened and held my breath both in fear and anticipation.  
"Cath…" his voice wavered as he saw my face fall.  
"It's okay… uh… don't… it's okay," I stuttered feeling my heart drop a couple of notches.  
"Just… for… uh… just… forget it, just forget I said anything." My voice shook.  
"Hey, Cath – " he tried to interject.  
I shook my head tensely. "It's okay Nick. I shouldn't have suggested it. I understand." Perhaps he was one of my faceless men after all.  
My throat closed. "We can go – let me get Lindsey and I can drop you off at your place."  
I tried to pull my hands out of his embrace, but he tightened his hold.  
"It's not like that Cath," he said carefully. "I'd move in right now without a second thought, but Lindsey is going through enough at the moment – she doesn't need the added confusion."  
I then blinked in confusion, frowning. "But… she adores you Nick! She loves it when you're around and she's completely at ease with you. Out of everyone at work she says you're her favourite and – "  
"I hear you Cath, I do," he interrupted. "I just think it would be better if we waited a little while longer – see how she feels about me being there."  
I nodded faintly. "Okay," I said in resignation, not wanting to turn this into an argument. "I'm just saying that I know my daughter Nick and, yes, she might adore her father but her bond with you is completely different – it's one of the anchors she needs in her life as we both know she doesn't have many. Eddie might be her father, but after the fiasco I saw today I don't know if it would be wise to even negotiate supervised visitations. I don't want her to see her father like that, the way I had to. In that condition he gets argumentative and aggressive and I'm terrified that one day I'm going to get a call from a hospital telling me to come and fetch my baby girl or worse." I swallowed painfully and looked down.  
"Hey," he squeezed my hands, "look at me."  
I slowly lifted my head and met his gaze.  
"What if we do it gradually? That way it doesn't upset you and it doesn't throw her either. I'll be at your place majority of the time, but will slip home for a night or two here and there. How's that for negotiation?"  
He grinned cheekily and I punched him in the shoulder.  
"Ouch!" He said and laughed.  
I also laughed, but more in relief that we were on the same page.  
I gathered our stuff and stood up, ready to call Lindsey.  
"So, are we ready to go home?" He was teasing.  
I had the height advantage, so I leaned down and puckered him a kiss before I drew back and whispered, "Yes. We're going to our home."  
A mischievous smile played on his lips when he answered with, "Well I can't wait to use the 'honey I'm home' phrase."  
I arched an eyebrow and then laughed again.  
"Lindsey! C'mon, we're going home!" I called and almost immediately her little blond mop of curls suddenly popped up from the tunnels – like a rabbit.  
"Coming!" She yelled.  
She hurtled towards me tackling my knees and wrapped her arms around them.  
Nick grabbed my arm to steady me.  
"Okay Bug, you going to have to let go so we can walk." I looked down and laughed. "Besides, Bear wants you to carry him – I think he missed you." I nodded knowingly.  
She gasped softly in remembering her companion and took Bear, hugging him tightly with one hand while she felt for my hand with the other.  
"Bear missed me and I missed you Mommy." I knew she wasn't referring to today and it wasn't said in a sad tone or teary voice, but more matter of fact for her.  
I gently squeezed her hand that fit snuggly in mine and said, "I missed you too Bug."  
Nick had trashed the melted ice cream cup and was waiting at the car.  
When she saw Nick she dropped my hand and ran towards him as he kneeled down ready to catch her like I had done at Eddie's place. He caught her and lifted her up, swinging her around as she threw her head back giggling uncontrollably, blond curls bouncing happily. There were so many Kodak moments that had happened lately and this was probably the first with Lindsey. I just couldn't wait to make more and, smiling at that thought, I said, "Should we get dinner?"


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

 ****After a quick stop for some takeout for dinner, we were on our way home.  
"We're going to need to make some sort of head way with the case this week," Nick said checking his phone for anything from the lab, "although I don't know why I'm checking my phone. Greg's the one doing the processing and he'd jump at the chance to text or email you."  
I blew my fringe out my eyes and bit back a wicked grin. "Perhaps I should text him first, really shock him."  
"Just make sure you don't give the guy heart failure Cath – we do need him for the case," Nick joked matching my grin.  
"Hmmmm… we'll see later, after dinner. Perhaps we can dose him with his own medicinal humor." I arched an eyebrow and pursed my lips in an act of plotting practical joke revenge.  
"Mommy?" A meek little voice broke our conversation.  
She'd been so quiet since the park. She hadn't said a word when we made the order for takeout and normally she'd pipe up even if she wanted one of her favorites, which I was normally already ordering anyway. I put it down to she must just be tired from the park.  
"Hmmmm?" I looked at her in the review mirror while I braked at a red light.  
She was twitching Bear's ear in her pudgy little fingers – a light clicked on; she's nervous.  
"What's wrong Bug?" I glanced at her again before accelerating.  
"It's just…" she trailed off and started squirming in her car seat.  
I waited, not wanting to push her, but wanting to encourage her at the same time.  
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Again I shot a look into the review mirror. She had now hung her head so her nose just touched the top of Bear's head.  
"Lindsey, honey, look at me." I tried to be gentle but forceful at the same time.  
She peeked at me from behind Bear.  
"Now tell me what's wrong." I waited patiently, still trying to maneuver the vehicle and deliver us safely home.  
Nick remained silent throughout the exchange, but had slid his hand onto my thigh in unspoken support – to which I shot him a brief smile of appreciation.  
I glimpsed back into the review mirror and saw she was watching me and Nick, her little blond curls gently swishing back and forth as she subtly moved her head – nose still resting on Bear's head.  
"Mommy…" she said again, but clearer this time. I met her eyes in the mirror, emphasizing that I was listening to her.  
"Is Nick eating with you?" She tightened her hold on Bear.  
Why was she so anxious? She was never like this around Nick and she'd seemed fine earlier. I frowned in thought. The only possible common thread I could think of was Eddie – he must've said something to her, even if it was in passing, knowing she'd take it to heart. He's already trying to use her as a pawn to keep a hold on me, so this would just tie in with his sick and twisted plan.  
"Mommy?" She slowly swung her feet once against her seat, like she would if she were on a swing.  
I was pulled out of that heinous trail of thought and answered, "Uh huh, yes he's having dinner with me - he's having dinner with you too! We're all having dinner together." I shot a wide smile at the mirror.  
A moment or two passed before Nick asked her soothingly, "Are you okay with that Princess? Do you want me to stay? Or do you want to eat with just you and Mommy?"  
I gave him a grateful smile, touched that he was taking her feelings into account.  
She dropped Bear back into her lap and broke out into a toothy grin.  
"Yes!" She bounced a little in her car seat. "You must stay! Mommy can Nick stay? Please Mommy?"  
I laughed at her reaction – partly relieved, but partly amused. "Yes Bug, of course he can stay. I told you he's having dinner with us."  
"Ya-ya!" She bounced Bear on her lap, clapping his paws together.  
"Ya-ya?" Nick mouthed, puzzled as he tried to work it out.  
"Hey Bouncy Bug," I said as I stopped at the last light before home. "Do you want your iPod? We're nearly home, but it'll be a couple more minutes."  
When she nodded I scratched around in the glove compartment and fished it out, handing it to her with one hand and then tickling her tummy where she giggled.  
Watching her plug in her ear pieces, Nick then turned to me. "Ya-ya?"  
I laughed a little before answering. "It's her version of 'yay'. She says if it's really good it needs to be said twice."  
Nick laughed with me and said, "Well that makes sense, if you think about it." He nodded in agreement with her. "The iPod though, you have to explain that."  
"Almost along the same lines as Bear," I streamlined.  
When he was still frowning I explained, "The iPod has all her favorite Disney movie soundtracks – movies that we've watched together. It's another comfort for her, or so I've noticed. I normally keep it and I don't allow her to take it with her to Eddie's – who knows what he'd put on there." I huffed slightly.  
"Hey," he said consolingly, lightly rubbing my thigh, "as long as she's got you she'll be fine. I hate to bring this up, especially now, but this is just another reason why we need to solve this case and keep you safe."  
I tensed and he felt it. "I'm just saying Cath." He gave me an empathetic smile.  
I nodded in agreement and murmured, "I know – can we not talk about this now?"  
"You're right, we can deal with this at the lab – I have to say though Cath this is a whole new side to you. I've never seen you in 'mom-mode' before, if I can phrase it like that. It's just stuff like Bear and the iPod to remind her how much you love her; even if you're not there she knows you're still there. I've never seen that before." He squeezed my thigh lovingly.  
I cleared the lump in my throat, built up from emotion, as I looked at my little bundle of joy who was now humming and singing along – all the wrong words and lyrics that made no sense, but that was besides the point. She was happy, content and felt safe and loved and that's all that mattered.  
"Well it's a side I don't bring with me to the lab Nicky. If I did, I'd struggle to focus and concentrate. It's also a personal and private side to me I don't really want work to interfere with, you know?" I looked at him sideways, bracing to see his reaction.  
"I just think it's amazing – you're amazing Cath. Eddie doesn't stand a chance. Yeah, so you're in an unusual job and work long hours, but you more than make up for it. Just looking at Lindsey says it all."  
"Thanks Nicky," I whispered softly as I turned into my drive and switched off the ignition. I moved to speak to Lindsey only to discover she'd just fallen asleep. I shook my head fondly, leaned over to Nick and kissed him softly, but thoroughly, and moaned quietly as my tongue met his. After dueling for a couple of seconds I pulled back with a gasp and said, "We need to get inside and settle her so we can have dinner."  
My heart melted when I got out the SUV and saw him gently lifting her from her car seat, cradling her fast asleep with her head on his shoulder. As he stood by the front door waiting for me to open up, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of pure happiness and complete contentment. This was what life was supposed to be.


End file.
